Monday, August 29, 2005


check out it's remarkably accurate in some repects...

"Robynne-English: Shining Fame

You are idealistic and have a keen intellect and imagination. Philosophical with a gentle, romantic and giving nature your desire is to help others and benefit mankind. You attract many friends and are loved by all for your nurturing and understanding ways. Once a project has been started your determination and focus always ensures that it is completed. You exude peace and contentment and bring this into your environment and associations. "

although I don't agree too much with the philosophical bit, I usually try not to think so hard...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

YAY!!!!!! As soon as I come back to Earth I'll tell you about it.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

friends with benefits?

wow. this weekend has been verrrrrrrrrry interesting.

For those of you who need a refresher on the cast of characters:

A: just got a new girlfriend who I like very much. I'm finally releived of the guilt that I may have scarred him for life. Yay!
B: whoa. lots more on B in a minute.
C: I've done a 180 on C. After cooling informing me that he'll "let me know if or when he's ready to date me,"C is not very high on the list of people on my good side. In fact, over the last few weeks he has gotten progressively more and more annoying. He's pretty much become a self-centered drama queen. I think I rolled my eyes or wanted to shoot myself at least 20 times over the course of this evening.

So, on to this weekend:

A couple of us heard that there was going to be this spectacular meteor shower, peaking on Friday night and continuing through Sat night. B suggested that after Bible study on Fri we head over to the hills where we hiked to watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. I thought this was a great idea. Unfortunately it was cloudy but we thought it might be better up in the hills. So we hiked up there. It was B, myself, my brother and three other people. C skipped out because he had a "migraine." (if two Advil can get rid of it I don't consider it a migraine) We got about a qurter of a mile up the trail before we realized that the sky was not getting any clearer and my brother pointed out that the meteors were supposed to be on the other side of the ridge we were hiking next to. So, we doubled back a bit and found a way to get to the trail on the top of the ridge. One of the guys had brought a guitar so he pulled it out and we just chilled on top of the ridge for a couple of hours.

B and I spent most of those hours cuddling in some way. It was so peaceful there. Just standing on this ridge in the dark, listening to a guitar, someone singing occasionaly, with B's arms wrapped around me. I will freely admit I could have stayed there all night. Nothing happened other than cuddling but it was nice.

Jump to tonight:
Tonight was "Board Game night." We get together at the church, whoever wants to brings snacks or food, we play board games for a few hours. Speed Uno is a favorite of ours. Sadly, tonight it was only B, myself, my brother and C. Wow. Talk about all shades of awkward and uncomfortable.

When we had to leave the church ( the janitors arrived) we decided to head back up to the hills to see if we could see anything better than Fri night. My brother bailed which would have left just me, B and C but thankfully someone else called up and decided to join us.

The view wasn't much better tonight but it was still so peaceful to be up there. Unfortunately, because C was there, there could really be no cuddling. I was very frustrated. B was too. But B and I managed to score the backseat to ourselves on the way back to our cars so we feigned sleep and got a bit of cuddling in that way. Grrrrr, still frustrating.

My brother had taken my car to go home so B gave me a ride. I hopped out before anything else could happen. Not because I didn't want it to but because that is not a decision I can make lightly right now. Nothing's been said so I don't really know how B feels about all this. I do know that if anything were to happen between us there's no way it could be just a fling, but at the same time, both of us are really gun-shy of a serious relationship. We're both single parents and I'm not sure either of us is really ready to take that on in someone else. This is scary new ground for me. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Stayed tuned as the drama unfolds.....

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I'm so sad

I saw this on a friend's blog and as I was reading it I was thinking what my answers would be. In all reality, they're pretty sad so I figured what better place to post them on my angsty blog that only Daniel reads? He already knows I'm pathetic so what the heck....

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? my still not flat tummy
2. How much cash do you have on you? $2 and some change
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? best
4. Favorite plant? this is a tough one....since it says plant not flower I'm going to go with weeping willows
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Charlie
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? some polka-thingy
7. What shirt are you wearing? a pj tank-top
8. Do you "label" yourself, could you? not particularly
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? ummmm, God's I guess
10. Bright or Dark Room? semi-dark
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? she's a friend of a friend so not much really
12. Ever "spilled the beans"? not when it really mattered
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
14. What did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say?"yeah I left work early and picked up Ace. How was your day?" from Dave
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? only on accident
16.What's a saying that you say a lot? "I didn't do it" I say that at work a lot these days
17. Who told you they loved you last? I can't remember that far back. Possibly Daniel. It's been a loooooooooong time
18. Last furry thing you touched? Molly's stuffed animals that I was cleaning up
19. How many hours a week do you work?depends on the week, between 30-50
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? none
21.Favorite age you have been so far? 20 was a really good year
22. Your worst enemy? myself
23. What is your current desk top picture? picture of Molly from memorial day
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Goodnight, I'm off to bed"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose? definately a million bucks

Sunday, August 07, 2005


So tomorrow at 6am I'm going to go to the gym with my dad. I want to get in shape so that when I'm on stage for Nutcracker I don't look like a big fat blue whale in my big fat blue dress. It's not an ugly dress, I think it's quite pretty actually, I'm just finally really motivated to get back into shape. Besides, it'll be nice to have someone to go with again. When Daniel and I used to go together it was nice, we didn't do the same things but I had someone to go with and someone to leave with and that was enough.

We had a really great speaker at church tonight. An old friend of our regular pastor. He is a missionary in Venezuala working with the street kids. He runs a ranch out in the country and they bring kids from the street who want to get off drugs and get an education. It was really inspiring. It made me think of Daniel. I know he wanted to be assigned to Latin America for peace corps and this seems like the kind of thing he would find very satisfying to be part of.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. I'm on my own at the studio which means I have to teach all the classes, plus I have to take care of any problems and since the fall schedule just came out, I get to answer lots of questions and stuff. It's not as bad as I was expecting it to be, but still tiring and stressful. Mostly tiring.

I'm also having a very hard time emotionaly. I've now been single for about a year and a half: the longest I've been single since my first boyfriend at 17. It's tough. I still hate sleeping alone. I still crave physical affection. A lot. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of depnding so much on my parents to help me with Molly. I don't want to be a single mom for the rest of my life. It doesn't help that most guys my age are definately not interested/ready to be dads.

So what do I do? I fall for a guy who is 8 years older than me. It doesn't bother me at all that he's older than me. I've always gotten along best with people older than me. But I think that if my parents find out they'll be upset. They like him, but I don't think they'd like me dating him. However, I'm not too concerned about it because it's highly unlikely we'll ever date. He's even less interested in relationships than Daniel (yes, it's actually possible), and sadly, I can't blame him after the stories he's told me.

I've decided that it's better for me to fall for someone who I'm never going to date, and who I value so much as a friend that I'll never act on my feelings so that at least those feelings are occupied and not getting me in trouble in other ways. So I'm not doing anything about it, just allowing myself to be occupied with it until God points out to me if He's picked someone for me to be with or not. It's not fool-proof and I don't completely understand what all I just wrote but smile and nod and give me a little pat on the back so I get my affection fix and we'll call it even.