Saturday, July 26, 2008

I guess I am crazy

Some one needs to do a study on the effects of pregnancy-induced hormones. I think there may be a lethal combination of hormones, that when introduced to highly emotional situations, result in an acid-like flashback. Case in point:

While I was pregnant, I had major emotional breakdowns over a situation between my ex-boyfriend and my ex-close friend. Actually, she was about as close to a female best friend I had at the time. Anyways. While I was pregnant, I had these amazingly vivid dreams of running into her on the main stairway of Walker Center and just.... unleashing my fury on her. I mean, I had hours-long dreams of all the things I wanted to scream at her. I dreamed of how amazingly good it would feel to just scream. And scream. And scream. Like, beet-red in the face, can't get my breath screaming.

I also spent many nights crying over the whole thing. The kind of crying where you can't breathe anymore, like little kids get sometimes. Basically, I was an emotional mess over it.

So now, whenever I am upset over something that has to do with a guy, all those feelings come flooding back to me. Somehow, I can't control it any more. Like, when I found out my last ex had been cheating on me, I just lost it one night. I felt exactly the same as I had when I was pregnant. And part of me knew it was completely irrational, but somehow, I had to go there in order to gain some feeling of catharsis. Maybe I'm just so emotionally repressed that the only way for me to deal with things that upset me is to go back to the one time I physically could not control my emotions. Hmmmm, there's an interesting theory.......

This theory has some potential. I'll have to think on that one.


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