Thursday, June 05, 2008

I'm so mad right now

I can't even articulate how mad I am right now. I need to just write it out and get past it. I'm mad that I can't get past it. So to hell with protecting people's names, I'm telling the whole story, dammed if I'm going to protect people who deliberately hurt me.

I can't believe he was actually cheating on me. I'm sure he would never have said it was cheating because probably they never had sex. If he didn't have sex with me, he better not have had it with her! Since I doubt that, and since kissing was as far as we went, I consider that fact that they were meeting to "talk" late at night and talking about ME cheating. The fact that she obviously had enough encouragement over the year and a half we were together to be literally waiting for us to break up makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up this afternoon when Josh was here. I feel so..... stupid. I feel so angry that two people, one of whom is supposed to care about me, could treat me like this. I'm a nice person, I would NEVER do that to someone, what the hell gives them to right to treat me that way? I may not have always felt like I was good enough for Daniel, but at least I knew that if he really didn't want to be with me he would have the balls to tell me.

What makes me so angry is that for so long I have felt so guilty that I hurt David when we broke up. The way he sobbed, the way I sobbed because he was so hurt, the calls to meet and talk it over, the way he begged me to give him another chance, the accusations that he had waited for things to change because I asked and then I didn't even stay to be with him once they were made, the way he made me feel like i was a cold-hearted bitch for those 2 weeks. AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER HE WAS ACTING LIKE HE WANTED TO BE WITH MALLORY. What a first class dick. I want an apology. I deserve an apology. He deserves to feel bad for this. He should know how angry I am right now.

I don't feel any better about Mallory. I think it's pretty hypocritical and shitty of her to have been just waiting and planning for us to break up. Yeah, she stepped up once. BUT THIS CONTINUED LONG AFTER THAT. How selfish can you be? Seriously. I have absolutely not one shred of respect left for her. I do not like her in any way. May she be happy in the bed she made herself to lie in. She can thank me for fixing him for her. I hope he treats her like shit too. He will. Maybe she'll have the balls to dump him too. Good for her if she does.

I'm almost looking forward to being single forever. If it means that I don't have to go through this again that's ok with me. Definitely being alone forever is better than being treated like shit all the time. I thought I was worth more than that. I thought my worth as a human being was a little more obvious than that. Dammit, I breathe oxygen, I'm not missing any body parts, I don't have any extra, I'm pretty cute, I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm forgiving, I'm brave, I'm damn good at what I do, I love my kid. Doesn't that give me the right to expect at least some simple decency and good manners? Even if I don't respect someone, I still would have the balls not to deceive them, like they're not worth as much as I am. Basically that's what it boils down too. Anyone who could treat me like this obviously thinks that their happiness, their life, their ambitions are inheritantly worth more than mine. My inalienable rights have been violated.

At least Darron was just crazy and obsessive. Better than cruel and too chicken-shit too greedy to just dump me and be done. I swear to you, never once did he even hint at breaking up. How selfish. How cruel. Wants to have his cake and eat it too. YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE BOTH OF US YOU PRICK!

I think even Leon may be one higher on the hit list than David. He is so completely on the bottom of my shit-list. I don't ever want to speak to him or see him again. I don't know that I could control myself if I did. It would be ugly. I am so angry.

It's not even like he had a reason to stay with me. He never even told me he loved me, it's not like our relationship was so set in stone that he couldn't have just walked away at any point. If he didn't want me he should have just manned up and walked away. Be done. That would have hurt a whole lot less than this does. I feel like such a fool for never seeing it. I definitely don't feel worth much right now. That's what kills me. That such a jerk and a hypocrite could make me feel so worthless. Damn him. Damn her. I am not worthless. I just feel like it right now.

I hate that he can make me cry right now. That I'm so mad and sad and hurt and feel so used that he can make me cry over it a year later. That his cruel words can come back to haunt me now and make me feel so sick. Damn you David, just leave me alone for God's sake! How could you do this to me? Why would you do this to me? Did you really think so little of me? Was I really worth so little to you? How sad that I convinced myself that if I tried hard enough you might actually love me. I'm so glad you nevr did. That would be far worse than this pain. You are not allowed to hurt me anymore. I refuse to let you hurt me again. Dig your grave, I wish you much joy of it. I hope Mallory does leave you. You dont' deserve either of us.


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