Monday, September 24, 2007

6 months later

I can't even come up with a witty title to this blog. My last post is dated March 24, 2007. Today is Sep 24 2007, in exactly 6 months there have been two MAJOR changes in my life. 1) I have a new job. Not just different job doing the same thing. This is a completely different, totally un-related to my last job, new career. 2) I am single. By choice.

So for anyone who wants the long story (does anyone want the long story? Does anyone even read this?) here goes:

1) New job.

Back in Feb I realized that my current job as a ballet teacher, while extremely satisfying and wonderful, was interfering with everyone and everything else in my life. I was basically working from 9-9 everyday. I had a nice 2-3 hour lunch break, but since my daughter was in school, that meant she only got to see me for about an hour a day or so. Not fair to a toddler. My boyfriend had always hated my job and it was only getting worse, but more on that later. Being a ballet teacher was costing me money. Every summer, because of my severly reduced work load, I was going into debt. And I couldn't get out of it. No matter how much I tried, I could not afford to be a ballet teacher anymore. This was definately an obstacle towards my goal of moving out of my parents house and someday owning my own home. Most importantly, it was coming between me and my relationship with God. Between my daughter, my boyfriend, my boss, and my family, there was no time or energy left in me to pursue my relationship with God. So I decided I needed to change jobs.

I am now quite happy as the executive assistant to the owner of a geotechnical consulting company. Basically, we tell you why your house is cracking and sliding off a cliff. It isn't as fun as being a ballet teacher but it is paying my bills, I get benefits and I feel like I am being a better mom. I also have the energy and time to pursue hobbies and have "me" time without feeling guilty about it. And I have beeen able to pursue my relationship with Christ.

2) I am now single. Right as the school/studio year was winding down I realized that I was just plain unhappy. Being with my boyfriend was so much work. I was exhausted by it and just wanted out. There are a million good reasons why I did it, but I don't need to post it on the internet for anyone to read. I know why, he knows why, that's all there is to it.

But. I am happy again. I feel like this is the path God wants me to walk now. I am relieved that I can be selfish for me and my girl now. I dont have anyone else I am obliged to spend time with besides her. Honestly, the thought of investing time and energy into another person right now makes me tired. I am officially tired of my "perfect girlfriend" act. I can't keep it up, it's hard work, man! So, whoever the lucky guy is who gets me next, he will have a slightly selfish, definately not perfect, fiercely independant, goofy girlfriend. And I am ok with that. I hope he is too.

I admit I am fearsomely lonely sometimes. There are nights where all I want is for a warm body in my bed to hold me in my sleep. I want to be loved, I want to be wanted. I find myself thinking about my exes more. Not because I want to date them again, but because I miss the way they knew me. I miss lazy weekends with Daniel, reading a book, sitting next to the heater, navigating video games, people watching at the mall while eating Chinese and being late to a movie. I miss going dancing and going for walks late at night with David. I miss having someone's hand to hold, someone to touch. I miss being touched. On the arm, on the cheek, on the stomach. I miss the feeling of skin on skin, of memorizing someone else's skin. I miss those best friends.

But, I know that God has someone out there for me. I am trying to be patient while I wait on Him and wait for him. Patience has always been one of my best virtues.


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