woohoo!

So tomorrow at 6am I'm going to go to the gym with my dad. I want to get in shape so that when I'm on stage for Nutcracker I don't look like a big fat blue whale in my big fat blue dress. It's not an ugly dress, I think it's quite pretty actually, I'm just finally really motivated to get back into shape. Besides, it'll be nice to have someone to go with again. When Daniel and I used to go together it was nice, we didn't do the same things but I had someone to go with and someone to leave with and that was enough.

We had a really great speaker at church tonight. An old friend of our regular pastor. He is a missionary in Venezuala working with the street kids. He runs a ranch out in the country and they bring kids from the street who want to get off drugs and get an education. It was really inspiring. It made me think of Daniel. I know he wanted to be assigned to Latin America for peace corps and this seems like the kind of thing he would find very satisfying to be part of.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. I'm on my own at the studio which means I have to teach all the classes, plus I have to take care of any problems and since the fall schedule just came out, I get to answer lots of questions and stuff. It's not as bad as I was expecting it to be, but still tiring and stressful. Mostly tiring.

I'm also having a very hard time emotionaly. I've now been single for about a year and a half: the longest I've been single since my first boyfriend at 17. It's tough. I still hate sleeping alone. I still crave physical affection. A lot. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of depnding so much on my parents to help me with Molly. I don't want to be a single mom for the rest of my life. It doesn't help that most guys my age are definately not interested/ready to be dads.

So what do I do? I fall for a guy who is 8 years older than me. It doesn't bother me at all that he's older than me. I've always gotten along best with people older than me. But I think that if my parents find out they'll be upset. They like him, but I don't think they'd like me dating him. However, I'm not too concerned about it because it's highly unlikely we'll ever date. He's even less interested in relationships than Daniel (yes, it's actually possible), and sadly, I can't blame him after the stories he's told me.

I've decided that it's better for me to fall for someone who I'm never going to date, and who I value so much as a friend that I'll never act on my feelings so that at least those feelings are occupied and not getting me in trouble in other ways. So I'm not doing anything about it, just allowing myself to be occupied with it until God points out to me if He's picked someone for me to be with or not. It's not fool-proof and I don't completely understand what all I just wrote but smile and nod and give me a little pat on the back so I get my affection fix and we'll call it even.