Saturday, July 26, 2008

I guess I am crazy

Some one needs to do a study on the effects of pregnancy-induced hormones. I think there may be a lethal combination of hormones, that when introduced to highly emotional situations, result in an acid-like flashback. Case in point:

While I was pregnant, I had major emotional breakdowns over a situation between my ex-boyfriend and my ex-close friend. Actually, she was about as close to a female best friend I had at the time. Anyways. While I was pregnant, I had these amazingly vivid dreams of running into her on the main stairway of Walker Center and just.... unleashing my fury on her. I mean, I had hours-long dreams of all the things I wanted to scream at her. I dreamed of how amazingly good it would feel to just scream. And scream. And scream. Like, beet-red in the face, can't get my breath screaming.

I also spent many nights crying over the whole thing. The kind of crying where you can't breathe anymore, like little kids get sometimes. Basically, I was an emotional mess over it.

So now, whenever I am upset over something that has to do with a guy, all those feelings come flooding back to me. Somehow, I can't control it any more. Like, when I found out my last ex had been cheating on me, I just lost it one night. I felt exactly the same as I had when I was pregnant. And part of me knew it was completely irrational, but somehow, I had to go there in order to gain some feeling of catharsis. Maybe I'm just so emotionally repressed that the only way for me to deal with things that upset me is to go back to the one time I physically could not control my emotions. Hmmmm, there's an interesting theory.......

This theory has some potential. I'll have to think on that one.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I'm so mad right now

I can't even articulate how mad I am right now. I need to just write it out and get past it. I'm mad that I can't get past it. So to hell with protecting people's names, I'm telling the whole story, dammed if I'm going to protect people who deliberately hurt me.

I can't believe he was actually cheating on me. I'm sure he would never have said it was cheating because probably they never had sex. If he didn't have sex with me, he better not have had it with her! Since I doubt that, and since kissing was as far as we went, I consider that fact that they were meeting to "talk" late at night and talking about ME cheating. The fact that she obviously had enough encouragement over the year and a half we were together to be literally waiting for us to break up makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up this afternoon when Josh was here. I feel so..... stupid. I feel so angry that two people, one of whom is supposed to care about me, could treat me like this. I'm a nice person, I would NEVER do that to someone, what the hell gives them to right to treat me that way? I may not have always felt like I was good enough for Daniel, but at least I knew that if he really didn't want to be with me he would have the balls to tell me.

What makes me so angry is that for so long I have felt so guilty that I hurt David when we broke up. The way he sobbed, the way I sobbed because he was so hurt, the calls to meet and talk it over, the way he begged me to give him another chance, the accusations that he had waited for things to change because I asked and then I didn't even stay to be with him once they were made, the way he made me feel like i was a cold-hearted bitch for those 2 weeks. AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER HE WAS ACTING LIKE HE WANTED TO BE WITH MALLORY. What a first class dick. I want an apology. I deserve an apology. He deserves to feel bad for this. He should know how angry I am right now.

I don't feel any better about Mallory. I think it's pretty hypocritical and shitty of her to have been just waiting and planning for us to break up. Yeah, she stepped up once. BUT THIS CONTINUED LONG AFTER THAT. How selfish can you be? Seriously. I have absolutely not one shred of respect left for her. I do not like her in any way. May she be happy in the bed she made herself to lie in. She can thank me for fixing him for her. I hope he treats her like shit too. He will. Maybe she'll have the balls to dump him too. Good for her if she does.

I'm almost looking forward to being single forever. If it means that I don't have to go through this again that's ok with me. Definitely being alone forever is better than being treated like shit all the time. I thought I was worth more than that. I thought my worth as a human being was a little more obvious than that. Dammit, I breathe oxygen, I'm not missing any body parts, I don't have any extra, I'm pretty cute, I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm forgiving, I'm brave, I'm damn good at what I do, I love my kid. Doesn't that give me the right to expect at least some simple decency and good manners? Even if I don't respect someone, I still would have the balls not to deceive them, like they're not worth as much as I am. Basically that's what it boils down too. Anyone who could treat me like this obviously thinks that their happiness, their life, their ambitions are inheritantly worth more than mine. My inalienable rights have been violated.

At least Darron was just crazy and obsessive. Better than cruel and too chicken-shit too greedy to just dump me and be done. I swear to you, never once did he even hint at breaking up. How selfish. How cruel. Wants to have his cake and eat it too. YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE BOTH OF US YOU PRICK!

I think even Leon may be one higher on the hit list than David. He is so completely on the bottom of my shit-list. I don't ever want to speak to him or see him again. I don't know that I could control myself if I did. It would be ugly. I am so angry.

It's not even like he had a reason to stay with me. He never even told me he loved me, it's not like our relationship was so set in stone that he couldn't have just walked away at any point. If he didn't want me he should have just manned up and walked away. Be done. That would have hurt a whole lot less than this does. I feel like such a fool for never seeing it. I definitely don't feel worth much right now. That's what kills me. That such a jerk and a hypocrite could make me feel so worthless. Damn him. Damn her. I am not worthless. I just feel like it right now.

I hate that he can make me cry right now. That I'm so mad and sad and hurt and feel so used that he can make me cry over it a year later. That his cruel words can come back to haunt me now and make me feel so sick. Damn you David, just leave me alone for God's sake! How could you do this to me? Why would you do this to me? Did you really think so little of me? Was I really worth so little to you? How sad that I convinced myself that if I tried hard enough you might actually love me. I'm so glad you nevr did. That would be far worse than this pain. You are not allowed to hurt me anymore. I refuse to let you hurt me again. Dig your grave, I wish you much joy of it. I hope Mallory does leave you. You dont' deserve either of us.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Disco inferno!

So the fires moved away from my house and we never had to evacuate. None of us really got any sleep on Sun but life is getting back to normal. The fires are still raging but have mostly moved away from us. At this point we've unpacked out clothes but the really important documents and photo albums are still in our cars.

Now that the winds are starting to die down, the ash and smoke have gotten worse. This morning my car looked like it was covered in snow. But better ash than having to evacuate.

It amazed me when I was packing. There was so much I was willing to lose. In the crunch, most of it was just stuff. I would be sad to lose my books, my mementos, gifts from special people, but in the end it's not the stuff you save but the life you live.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

lesser of evils?

While I was at college in OK, I always declared I'd rather live in CA because the natural disasters there were less drawn out. Tornadoes leave you hanging for hours. You have tornadoes watched, tornado warnings, all day. The tension is horrid. I prefer earthquakes, they come, they go, it's over, we're done.

Well, tonight I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

There are huge fires raging all around southern California, one of them is about a mile from where I am sitting now. They've evacuated the houses down the road, our cars are packed, I've arranged for me and my daughter to go to a friends house if we need to evacuate.

These fires were pretty inevitable. Last year we had less than 5 inches of rain. Driving through the canyons on my way to work I have watched the hills go from green to yellow to brown to gray. Drying up and going brittle in the heat. A month or two ago I drive right past a fire merrily burning in one of the small valleys, firefighters arrived as I drove past, I was close enough to see the flames leaping from tree to tree.

Things like this make me wonder if perhaps we aren't doing ourselves a disfavor by allowing brush to grow so thick. Maybe we would be better off letting small fires burn more frequently, like they do in the forests, to clear the dead growth and thin the underbrush. Maybe we shouldn't build houses so close to shore, especially in areas known for hurricanes.

Why do we insist on building our homes in areas we know are prone to natural disasters? Some are inevitable, no-one would live on the west coast if were all scared of earthquakes. But I can't help but think of all the heartache we could save ourselves if we just chose not to live in places like New Orleans. Maybe it's in my nature. I don't like confrontation with people, why would I like confrontation with nature?

But here I sit. I know I won't get much sleep tonight, waiting for the sirens, the knock on the door telling us to evacuate. At least my daughter is oblivious. She thought it was great fun to pick out her 5 favorite movies and toys and books while we ran around throwing things in our cars, just in case. Her school will be closed tomorrow. This fire means nothing to her but an extra day at home to play with Grandma. I'll be heading off to work, but not on the usual roads. The toll road I drive to work is closed. The fire literally leaped across it. Depending on how bad it is tomorrow, I may not stay the whole day. It just depends on how busy we are and how it looks down here.

And so I wait. And wait. And wait.

Monday, September 24, 2007

6 months later

I can't even come up with a witty title to this blog. My last post is dated March 24, 2007. Today is Sep 24 2007, in exactly 6 months there have been two MAJOR changes in my life. 1) I have a new job. Not just different job doing the same thing. This is a completely different, totally un-related to my last job, new career. 2) I am single. By choice.

So for anyone who wants the long story (does anyone want the long story? Does anyone even read this?) here goes:

1) New job.

Back in Feb I realized that my current job as a ballet teacher, while extremely satisfying and wonderful, was interfering with everyone and everything else in my life. I was basically working from 9-9 everyday. I had a nice 2-3 hour lunch break, but since my daughter was in school, that meant she only got to see me for about an hour a day or so. Not fair to a toddler. My boyfriend had always hated my job and it was only getting worse, but more on that later. Being a ballet teacher was costing me money. Every summer, because of my severly reduced work load, I was going into debt. And I couldn't get out of it. No matter how much I tried, I could not afford to be a ballet teacher anymore. This was definately an obstacle towards my goal of moving out of my parents house and someday owning my own home. Most importantly, it was coming between me and my relationship with God. Between my daughter, my boyfriend, my boss, and my family, there was no time or energy left in me to pursue my relationship with God. So I decided I needed to change jobs.

I am now quite happy as the executive assistant to the owner of a geotechnical consulting company. Basically, we tell you why your house is cracking and sliding off a cliff. It isn't as fun as being a ballet teacher but it is paying my bills, I get benefits and I feel like I am being a better mom. I also have the energy and time to pursue hobbies and have "me" time without feeling guilty about it. And I have beeen able to pursue my relationship with Christ.

2) I am now single. Right as the school/studio year was winding down I realized that I was just plain unhappy. Being with my boyfriend was so much work. I was exhausted by it and just wanted out. There are a million good reasons why I did it, but I don't need to post it on the internet for anyone to read. I know why, he knows why, that's all there is to it.

But. I am happy again. I feel like this is the path God wants me to walk now. I am relieved that I can be selfish for me and my girl now. I dont have anyone else I am obliged to spend time with besides her. Honestly, the thought of investing time and energy into another person right now makes me tired. I am officially tired of my "perfect girlfriend" act. I can't keep it up, it's hard work, man! So, whoever the lucky guy is who gets me next, he will have a slightly selfish, definately not perfect, fiercely independant, goofy girlfriend. And I am ok with that. I hope he is too.

I admit I am fearsomely lonely sometimes. There are nights where all I want is for a warm body in my bed to hold me in my sleep. I want to be loved, I want to be wanted. I find myself thinking about my exes more. Not because I want to date them again, but because I miss the way they knew me. I miss lazy weekends with Daniel, reading a book, sitting next to the heater, navigating video games, people watching at the mall while eating Chinese and being late to a movie. I miss going dancing and going for walks late at night with David. I miss having someone's hand to hold, someone to touch. I miss being touched. On the arm, on the cheek, on the stomach. I miss the feeling of skin on skin, of memorizing someone else's skin. I miss those best friends.

But, I know that God has someone out there for me. I am trying to be patient while I wait on Him and wait for him. Patience has always been one of my best virtues.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

waiting for Molzilla to go to sleep......

[Relationship Status] - taken
[Shoe size] - 7 1/2
[Siblings] - 2
[Pets] - none.

[Color] - red
[Numbers] - 32, it's a nice round ballet number
[Animal] - cats
[Book] - a tie between A Door in the Hedge and Deerskin by Robin McKinley
[Flower] - any flower someone gives me is my favorite

[Twirl your hair?] - no
[Have tattoos?] - no
[Cheat on tests?] - no!
[Like roller coasters?] - yes!
Wish you could live somewhere else?]- it'd be nice to move out of my parents house
[Like cleaning?] - I like the satisfaction I get from doing it, but not neccessarily the act of cleaning.
[Write in cursive or print?] - a hybrid most times. I journal in cursive.
[Know how to drive?] - yes
[Own a cell phone?] - yes
[Ever get off the internet?] - no internet at work. Only on the internet at lunch and before bed

[Been in a fist fight?] - nope...I have been in a slap fight though
[Considered a life of crime?] - nope
[Considered being a hooker?] - gross, no way
[Been in love?] - yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?] - yes
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] - not on purpose

[Current clothing] - black jazz pant, green long sleeved clothes
[Current hair] - ponytail and headband, it's dirty
[Current thing I ought to be doing] - taking a shower
[Current CD in stereo] - a mix of pretty classical stuff I want to choreograph to
[Last movie you saw] - Casino Royale
[Last thing you ate] - chocolate milk shake
[Believe there is life on other planets?] - probably not. I think God made us special
[Read the newspaper?] - nope, I hate getting the ink on my hands, it grosses me out
[Hate yourself?] - no
[Collect anything?] - books, theater ticket stubs
[Like your handwriting?] - I'm a big fan of my cursive but it's too slow to write all the time
[First crush(es)] - Jeff Cole in 4th grade. First serious crush was Travis Cramer all of Jr. High
[You believe in love at first sight?] - no
[You believe in "the one?"] - yes, I believe there is someone out there that God intended just for me
[Are you a tease?] - not on purpose
[Too shy to make the first move?] - sometimes

[Daydreamer] - yes
[Sarcastic] - yes, although I try not to be
[Introvert] - yup.
[Extrovert] - only when working.

[Pierce your nose or lip?] - neither, that's sooooooo gross.
[Be serious or funny?] - I wish I was funnier but I'll take serious.

[What time is it] - 1:13
[Name] - Robynne
[Nickname(s)] - Mommy, Robs, Rob, Neebor, Bean, Jellybean

[Where do you want to live]: In SoCal....someone buy me a house!
[how many kids do you want] - got one already, I'd like 1 or 2 more
[What kind of job do you want] - one that is satisfying and supports me and my daughter
[do you want to get married] - yes

[Nervous Habits] - fiddle with my earrings
[Are you double jointed] - no
[Can you roll your tongue] - yup
[Can you raise one eyebrow]- I am ambi-eyebrow-us
[Can you cross your eyes] - yup, although it feels yucky with contacts in
[Do you make your bed daily] - I try to

[Which shoe goes on first] - right first...always
[Ever thrown something one at someone] - only balls
[How Much money do you carry in your wallet] - I generally don't have cash on me, sometimes a couple bucks.

[Bought something] - yes
[Gotten sick] - yes
[Sang] -yes
[Felt stupid] - yes
[Missed someone] - yes
[Gotten drunk] - no
[Gotten high] - no
[Danced crazy] - I get paid to!
[Gotten your hair cut] - no...I really need to though
[Watched cartoons] - Hercules, Hercules! I have a 2 year old, what do you expect?
[Lied] - I plead the 5th

[Slept in your bed] - Molly
[Saw you cry] - God
[Saw a movie with you] - David
[Said 'I love you' to you] - Molly

[Been to California] - only most of my life
[Been to Canada] - once when I was little. Don't remember much
[Been to Europe] - yup. Go, it's awesome
[Wished you were the opposite sex] - no way, they're stinky!
[Snuck out of your house] - never snuck out...have snuck back in though

Monday, March 05, 2007

because I don't want to blog about the fight just yet

Q. What's your salad dressing of choice?French/Catalina or Ranch.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?In n Out.
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?Il Fornio or maybe Bucca de Beppo.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?mac and cheese.
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?Black olives, pineapple, green peppers, pepperoni.
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?peanut butter and honey.
Q. What is your favorite type of gum? Trident.

Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone? no idea...maybe 40?
Q. Number of contacts in your email address book? more...maybe 60? I think half of them are out of date though, does that count?
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? a pic from Molly's first birthday
Q. How many televisions are in your house? 4.

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? lefty and proud of it!
Q. Do you like your smile?Yes, I just wish my teeth were whiter.
Q. What's your best feature? ummmmmm...... my eyes and my boobs maybe?
Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Touch.
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity? I think I have some currently, I know I got some filled last time I went to the dentist.
Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last? my daughter
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? I have passed out, but never been knocked out by a person.

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? nope, that's God's job.
Q. Is love for real? yes, God loves me with a love more real than anything everyday.
Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I love my name, not weird, but the spelling is unique
Q. What color do you think you look best in? pink and brown and green.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? not that I can recall.
Q. If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? I have two second cousins who are cute but they're all either waaaaaaay too old or jail bait.
Q. Have you ever saved someone's life? I don't think so.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours? Jesus did.

Q: What is in your left pocket? amazingly, these pj pants have a left pocket but it's too small to actually put anything in
Q: How much alcohol did you have this week? none.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? it had funny moments, bt overall not a great film
Q: What color underwear do you have on? white and boring.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? both.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower? seriously, people sit in the shower????
Q: Could you live with roommates? beats living with my parents.
Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? no idea...probably 6 or 7.
Q: Where were you born? Johannesburg, South Africa. That's right...I'm more African that you! (totally just kidding).
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops? I got pulled over for speeding last time I drove back to OK for Sping Break (wow, three years ago!). I was 6 months preggo and had to pee so bad!
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A godly woman
Q: What cell phone service do you have?Verizon for now.
Q: First place you went this morning? took Molly to school.
Q: What's the last movie you saw? just watched About A Boy .
Q: Do you smile often? yes.
Q: Are you a friendly person?Yes.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing?White.