Cat's ramblings

I guess I am crazy

2008-07-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Some one needs to do a study on the effects of pregnancy-induced hormones. I think there may be a lethal combination of hormones, that when introduced to highly emotional situations, result in an acid-like flashback. Case in point:

While I was pregnant, I had major emotional breakdowns over a situation between my ex-boyfriend and my ex-close friend. Actually, she was about as close to a female best friend I had at the time. Anyways. While I was pregnant, I had these amazingly vivid dreams of running into her on the main stairway of Walker Center and just.... unleashing my fury on her. I mean, I had hours-long dreams of all the things I wanted to scream at her. I dreamed of how amazingly good it would feel to just scream. And scream. And scream. Like, beet-red in the face, can't get my breath screaming.

I also spent many nights crying over the whole thing. The kind of crying where you can't breathe anymore, like little kids get sometimes. Basically, I was an emotional mess over it.

So now, whenever I am upset over something that has to do with a guy, all those feelings come flooding back to me. Somehow, I can't control it any more. Like, when I found out my last ex had been cheating on me, I just lost it one night. I felt exactly the same as I had when I was pregnant. And part of me knew it was completely irrational, but somehow, I had to go there in order to gain some feeling of catharsis. Maybe I'm just so emotionally repressed that the only way for me to deal with things that upset me is to go back to the one time I physically could not control my emotions. Hmmmm, there's an interesting theory.......

This theory has some potential. I'll have to think on that one.

I'm so mad right now

2008-06-05T00:19:00.001-07:00

I can't even articulate how mad I am right now. I need to just write it out and get past it. I'm mad that I can't get past it. So to hell with protecting people's names, I'm telling the whole story, dammed if I'm going to protect people who deliberately hurt me.

I can't believe he was actually cheating on me. I'm sure he would never have said it was cheating because probably they never had sex. If he didn't have sex with me, he better not have had it with her! Since I doubt that, and since kissing was as far as we went, I consider that fact that they were meeting to "talk" late at night and talking about ME cheating. The fact that she obviously had enough encouragement over the year and a half we were together to be literally waiting for us to break up makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up this afternoon when Josh was here. I feel so..... stupid. I feel so angry that two people, one of whom is supposed to care about me, could treat me like this. I'm a nice person, I would NEVER do that to someone, what the hell gives them to right to treat me that way? I may not have always felt like I was good enough for Daniel, but at least I knew that if he really didn't want to be with me he would have the balls to tell me.

What makes me so angry is that for so long I have felt so guilty that I hurt David when we broke up. The way he sobbed, the way I sobbed because he was so hurt, the calls to meet and talk it over, the way he begged me to give him another chance, the accusations that he had waited for things to change because I asked and then I didn't even stay to be with him once they were made, the way he made me feel like i was a cold-hearted bitch for those 2 weeks. AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER HE WAS ACTING LIKE HE WANTED TO BE WITH MALLORY. What a first class dick. I want an apology. I deserve an apology. He deserves to feel bad for this. He should know how angry I am right now.

I don't feel any better about Mallory. I think it's pretty hypocritical and shitty of her to have been just waiting and planning for us to break up. Yeah, she stepped up once. BUT THIS CONTINUED LONG AFTER THAT. How selfish can you be? Seriously. I have absolutely not one shred of respect left for her. I do not like her in any way. May she be happy in the bed she made herself to lie in. She can thank me for fixing him for her. I hope he treats her like shit too. He will. Maybe she'll have the balls to dump him too. Good for her if she does.

I'm almost looking forward to being single forever. If it means that I don't have to go through this again that's ok with me. Definitely being alone forever is better than being treated like shit all the time. I thought I was worth more than that. I thought my worth as a human being was a little more obvious than that. Dammit, I breathe oxygen, I'm not missing any body parts, I don't have any extra, I'm pretty cute, I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm forgiving, I'm brave, I'm damn good at what I do, I love my kid. Doesn't that give me the right to expect at least some simple decency and good manners? Even if I don't respect someone, I still would have the balls not to deceive them, like they're not worth as much as I am. Basically that's what it boils down too. Anyone who could treat me like this obviously thinks that their happiness, their life, their ambitions are inheritantly worth more than mine. My inalienable rights have been violated.

At least Darron was just crazy and obsessive. Better than cruel and too chicken-shit too greedy to just dump me and be done. I swear to you, never once did he even hint at breaking up. How selfish. How cruel. Wants to have his cake and eat it too. YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE BOTH OF US YOU PRICK!

I think even Leon may be one higher on the hit list than David. He is so completely on the bottom of my shit-list. I don't ever want to speak to him or see him again. I don't know that I could control myself if I did. It would be ugly. I am so angry.

It's not even like he had a reason to stay with me. He never even told me he loved me, it's not like our relationship was so set in stone that he couldn't have just walked away at any point. If he didn't want me he should have just manned up and walked away. Be done. That would have hurt a whole lot less than this does. I feel like such a fool for never seeing it. I definitely don't feel worth much right now. That's what kills me. That such a jerk and a hypocrite could make me feel so worthless. Damn him. Damn her. I am not worthless. I just feel like it right now.

I hate that he can make me cry right now. That I'm so mad and sad and hurt and feel so used that he can make me cry over it a year later. That his cruel words can come back to haunt me now and make me feel so sick. Damn you David, just leave me alone for God's sake! How could you do this to me? Why would you do this to me? Did you really think so little of me? Was I really worth so little to you? How sad that I convinced myself that if I tried hard enough you might actually love me. I'm so glad you nevr did. That would be far worse than this pain. You are not allowed to hurt me anymore. I refuse to let you hurt me again. Dig your grave, I wish you much joy of it. I hope Mallory does leave you. You dont' deserve either of us.

Disco inferno!

2007-10-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

So the fires moved away from my house and we never had to evacuate. None of us really got any sleep on Sun but life is getting back to normal. The fires are still raging but have mostly moved away from us. At this point we've unpacked out clothes but the really important documents and photo albums are still in our cars.

Now that the winds are starting to die down, the ash and smoke have gotten worse. This morning my car looked like it was covered in snow. But better ash than having to evacuate.

It amazed me when I was packing. There was so much I was willing to lose. In the crunch, most of it was just stuff. I would be sad to lose my books, my mementos, gifts from special people, but in the end it's not the stuff you save but the life you live.

lesser of evils?

2007-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

While I was at college in OK, I always declared I'd rather live in CA because the natural disasters there were less drawn out. Tornadoes leave you hanging for hours. You have tornadoes watched, tornado warnings, all day. The tension is horrid. I prefer earthquakes, they come, they go, it's over, we're done.

Well, tonight I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

There are huge fires raging all around southern California, one of them is about a mile from where I am sitting now. They've evacuated the houses down the road, our cars are packed, I've arranged for me and my daughter to go to a friends house if we need to evacuate.

These fires were pretty inevitable. Last year we had less than 5 inches of rain. Driving through the canyons on my way to work I have watched the hills go from green to yellow to brown to gray. Drying up and going brittle in the heat. A month or two ago I drive right past a fire merrily burning in one of the small valleys, firefighters arrived as I drove past, I was close enough to see the flames leaping from tree to tree.

Things like this make me wonder if perhaps we aren't doing ourselves a disfavor by allowing brush to grow so thick. Maybe we would be better off letting small fires burn more frequently, like they do in the forests, to clear the dead growth and thin the underbrush. Maybe we shouldn't build houses so close to shore, especially in areas known for hurricanes.

Why do we insist on building our homes in areas we know are prone to natural disasters? Some are inevitable, no-one would live on the west coast if were all scared of earthquakes. But I can't help but think of all the heartache we could save ourselves if we just chose not to live in places like New Orleans. Maybe it's in my nature. I don't like confrontation with people, why would I like confrontation with nature?

But here I sit. I know I won't get much sleep tonight, waiting for the sirens, the knock on the door telling us to evacuate. At least my daughter is oblivious. She thought it was great fun to pick out her 5 favorite movies and toys and books while we ran around throwing things in our cars, just in case. Her school will be closed tomorrow. This fire means nothing to her but an extra day at home to play with Grandma. I'll be heading off to work, but not on the usual roads. The toll road I drive to work is closed. The fire literally leaped across it. Depending on how bad it is tomorrow, I may not stay the whole day. It just depends on how busy we are and how it looks down here.

And so I wait. And wait. And wait.

6 months later

2007-09-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

I can't even come up with a witty title to this blog. My last post is dated March 24, 2007. Today is Sep 24 2007, in exactly 6 months there have been two MAJOR changes in my life. 1) I have a new job. Not just different job doing the same thing. This is a completely different, totally un-related to my last job, new career. 2) I am single. By choice.

So for anyone who wants the long story (does anyone want the long story? Does anyone even read this?) here goes:

1) New job.

Back in Feb I realized that my current job as a ballet teacher, while extremely satisfying and wonderful, was interfering with everyone and everything else in my life. I was basically working from 9-9 everyday. I had a nice 2-3 hour lunch break, but since my daughter was in school, that meant she only got to see me for about an hour a day or so. Not fair to a toddler. My boyfriend had always hated my job and it was only getting worse, but more on that later. Being a ballet teacher was costing me money. Every summer, because of my severly reduced work load, I was going into debt. And I couldn't get out of it. No matter how much I tried, I could not afford to be a ballet teacher anymore. This was definately an obstacle towards my goal of moving out of my parents house and someday owning my own home. Most importantly, it was coming between me and my relationship with God. Between my daughter, my boyfriend, my boss, and my family, there was no time or energy left in me to pursue my relationship with God. So I decided I needed to change jobs.

I am now quite happy as the executive assistant to the owner of a geotechnical consulting company. Basically, we tell you why your house is cracking and sliding off a cliff. It isn't as fun as being a ballet teacher but it is paying my bills, I get benefits and I feel like I am being a better mom. I also have the energy and time to pursue hobbies and have "me" time without feeling guilty about it. And I have beeen able to pursue my relationship with Christ.

2) I am now single. Right as the school/studio year was winding down I realized that I was just plain unhappy. Being with my boyfriend was so much work. I was exhausted by it and just wanted out. There are a million good reasons why I did it, but I don't need to post it on the internet for anyone to read. I know why, he knows why, that's all there is to it.

But. I am happy again. I feel like this is the path God wants me to walk now. I am relieved that I can be selfish for me and my girl now. I dont have anyone else I am obliged to spend time with besides her. Honestly, the thought of investing time and energy into another person right now makes me tired. I am officially tired of my "perfect girlfriend" act. I can't keep it up, it's hard work, man! So, whoever the lucky guy is who gets me next, he will have a slightly selfish, definately not perfect, fiercely independant, goofy girlfriend. And I am ok with that. I hope he is too.

I admit I am fearsomely lonely sometimes. There are nights where all I want is for a warm body in my bed to hold me in my sleep. I want to be loved, I want to be wanted. I find myself thinking about my exes more. Not because I want to date them again, but because I miss the way they knew me. I miss lazy weekends with Daniel, reading a book, sitting next to the heater, navigating video games, people watching at the mall while eating Chinese and being late to a movie. I miss going dancing and going for walks late at night with David. I miss having someone's hand to hold, someone to touch. I miss being touched. On the arm, on the cheek, on the stomach. I miss the feeling of skin on skin, of memorizing someone else's skin. I miss those best friends.

But, I know that God has someone out there for me. I am trying to be patient while I wait on Him and wait for him. Patience has always been one of my best virtues.

waiting for Molzilla to go to sleep......

2007-03-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

[Relationship Status] - taken
[Shoe size] - 7 1/2
[Siblings] - 2
[Pets] - none.

FAVOURITES
[Color] - red
[Numbers] - 32, it's a nice round ballet number
[Animal] - cats
[Book] - a tie between A Door in the Hedge and Deerskin by Robin McKinley
[Flower] - any flower someone gives me is my favorite

DO YOU
[Twirl your hair?] - no
[Have tattoos?] - no
[Cheat on tests?] - no!
[Like roller coasters?] - yes!
Wish you could live somewhere else?]- it'd be nice to move out of my parents house
[Like cleaning?] - I like the satisfaction I get from doing it, but not neccessarily the act of cleaning.
[Write in cursive or print?] - a hybrid most times. I journal in cursive.
[Know how to drive?] - yes
[Own a cell phone?] - yes
[Ever get off the internet?] - no internet at work. Only on the internet at lunch and before bed

HAVE YOU EVER
[Been in a fist fight?] - nope...I have been in a slap fight though
[Considered a life of crime?] - nope
[Considered being a hooker?] - gross, no way
[Been in love?] - yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?] - yes
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] - not on purpose

CURRENT..
[Current clothing] - black jazz pant, green long sleeved top...work clothes
[Current hair] - ponytail and headband, it's dirty
[Current thing I ought to be doing] - taking a shower
[Current CD in stereo] - a mix of pretty classical stuff I want to choreograph to
[Last movie you saw] - Casino Royale
[Last thing you ate] - chocolate milk shake
[Believe there is life on other planets?] - probably not. I think God made us special
[Read the newspaper?] - nope, I hate getting the ink on my hands, it grosses me out
[Hate yourself?] - no
[Collect anything?] - books, theater ticket stubs
[Like your handwriting?] - I'm a big fan of my cursive but it's too slow to write all the time
[First crush(es)] - Jeff Cole in 4th grade. First serious crush was Travis Cramer all of Jr. High
[You believe in love at first sight?] - no
[You believe in "the one?"] - yes, I believe there is someone out there that God intended just for me
[Are you a tease?] - not on purpose
[Too shy to make the first move?] - sometimes

ARE YOU A...
[Daydreamer] - yes
[Sarcastic] - yes, although I try not to be
[Introvert] - yup.
[Extrovert] - only when working.

WOULD YOU RATHER...
[Pierce your nose or lip?] - neither, that's sooooooo gross.
[Be serious or funny?] - I wish I was funnier but I'll take serious.

ABOUT YOU...
[What time is it] - 1:13
[Name] - Robynne
[Nickname(s)] - Mommy, Robs, Rob, Neebor, Bean, Jellybean

WHAT DO YOU WANT...
[Where do you want to live]: In SoCal....someone buy me a house!
[how many kids do you want] - got one already, I'd like 1 or 2 more
[What kind of job do you want] - one that is satisfying and supports me and my daughter
[do you want to get married] - yes

UNIQUE...
[Nervous Habits] - fiddle with my earrings
[Are you double jointed] - no
[Can you roll your tongue] - yup
[Can you raise one eyebrow]- I am ambi-eyebrow-us
[Can you cross your eyes] - yup, although it feels yucky with contacts in
[Do you make your bed daily] - I try to

CLOTHES, ETC...
[Which shoe goes on first] - right first...always
[Ever thrown something one at someone] - only balls
[How Much money do you carry in your wallet] - I generally don't have cash on me, sometimes a couple bucks.

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...
[Bought something] - yes
[Gotten sick] - yes
[Sang] -yes
[Felt stupid] - yes
[Missed someone] - yes
[Gotten drunk] - no
[Gotten high] - no
[Danced crazy] - I get paid to!
[Gotten your hair cut] - no...I really need to though
[Watched cartoons] - Hercules, Hercules! I have a 2 year old, what do you expect?
[Lied] - I plead the 5th

LAST PERSON THAT...
[Slept in your bed] - Molly
[Saw you cry] - God
[Saw a movie with you] - David
[Said 'I love you' to you] - Molly

HAVE YOU EVER...
[Been to California] - only most of my life
[Been to Canada] - once when I was little. Don't remember much
[Been to Europe] - yup. Go, it's awesome
[Wished you were the opposite sex] - no way, they're stinky!
[Snuck out of your house] - never snuck out...have snuck back in though

because I don't want to blog about the fight just yet

2007-03-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

FOODOLOGY
Q. What's your salad dressing of choice?French/Catalina or Ranch.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?In n Out.
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?Il Fornio or maybe Bucca de Beppo.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?mac and cheese.
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?Black olives, pineapple, green peppers, pepperoni.
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?peanut butter and honey.
Q. What is your favorite type of gum? Trident.

TECHNOLOGY
Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone? no idea...maybe 40?
Q. Number of contacts in your email address book? more...maybe 60? I think half of them are out of date though, does that count?
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? a pic from Molly's first birthday
Q. How many televisions are in your house? 4.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? lefty and proud of it!
Q. Do you like your smile?Yes, I just wish my teeth were whiter.
Q. What's your best feature? ummmmmm...... my eyes and my boobs maybe?
Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Touch.
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity? I think I have some currently, I know I got some filled last time I went to the dentist.
Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last? my daughter
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? I have passed out, but never been knocked out by a person.

MISCOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? nope, that's God's job.
Q. Is love for real? yes, God loves me with a love more real than anything everyday.
Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I love my name, not weird, but the spelling is unique
Q. What color do you think you look best in? pink and brown and green.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? not that I can recall.
Q. If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? I have two second cousins who are cute but they're all either waaaaaaay too old or jail bait.
Q. Have you ever saved someone's life? I don't think so.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours? Jesus did.

RANDOMOLOGY:
Q: What is in your left pocket? amazingly, these pj pants have a left pocket but it's too small to actually put anything in
Q: How much alcohol did you have this week? none.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? it had funny moments, bt overall not a great film
Q: What color underwear do you have on? white and boring.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? both.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower? seriously, people sit in the shower????
Q: Could you live with roommates? beats living with my parents.
Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? no idea...probably 6 or 7.
Q: Where were you born? Johannesburg, South Africa. That's right...I'm more African that you! (totally just kidding).
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops? I got pulled over for speeding last time I drove back to OK for Sping Break (wow, three years ago!). I was 6 months preggo and had to pee so bad!
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A godly woman
Q: What cell phone service do you have?Verizon for now.
Q: First place you went this morning? took Molly to school.
Q: What's the last movie you saw? just watched About A Boy .
Q: Do you smile often? yes.
Q: Are you a friendly person?Yes.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing?White.

a little obsessed

2007-03-04T00:55:00.000-08:00

Since the age of about 11 or so, I've probably created/staged/choreographed hundreds of dances in my head. Countless songs have inspired me, from Mozart to Elvis to movie soundtracks. I have completely re-staged Sleeping Beauty and the Nutcracker at least twice. In my head. Choreography is my passion.

You would think that since I'm a ballet teacher I would get to choreograph all the time. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Of the 22 classes I regularly teach in a week, only one has an average age exceeding 7 years old. Two have an average age of 6, two have an average age of 2.5 and the rest are 3,4, and 5. Not particularly great for flexing my choreographic muscles.

Back in Oct/Nnov, I got a mailer form Ballet Pacifica. WHat caught my eye was the words, "Choreographic Competition." They are having a competition to stage a 20-25 min children's ballet, to be danced by their senior students. The winner get's $500. I thought it sounded awesome, but I have two major problems: 1) you have to submit two samples of work. I have nothing that I could submit, everything I have choregraphed in the last three years has been for recital for babies. 2) it's Ballet Pacifica. They are the too-big-for-this-small-pond company out here, we've had several students leave us to go there. There's bad blood there and I don't know how my boss would feel about it.

So, I set it aside and figured it would be nice, but not going to happen.

Well, I can't get it out of my head. Entries are due by the end of this month. If I could work up the guts to talk it over with my boss so I could choreograph something on our company members I could just have enough time to get something in by the deadline. But this is where my being a big chicken hurts me.

For the last week, I've constantly been listening to a track from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack, I can't stop. I can see so many visions of a piece when I listen to it, the visions in my head are so beautiful they make me want to cry. Which makes me feel a little bit crazy but what's new? There's no telling if I could make what is in my head work in real life but I'm dying to try.

I don't know if this is going to go anywhere or not but for now I'm obsessing over the music and planning an entry. If nothing happens, it'll just get added to the others collecting dust in the corners of my brain.

Yes, I'm alove,and guess what......

2006-10-15T23:49:00.001-07:00

I'm alive still and 10 lbs lighter.

I got tired of feeling fat and blah about my body so I've been seriously dieting and going to the gym. I've been doing the nutrisystem thig which, obviously, is working for me. I'm also taking ballet class again, once a week. The first week, the class totally kicked my butt!

I feel pretty good so far. What feels even better is that I just bought a new pair of jeans that are a size smaller than the last pair I bought and all my pants are starting to feel big on me, yay! Today, I buckled my belt one hole tighter.

That's pretty much it in exciting new for me, life goes on and I'm going with it. My boyfriend rocks, we've been together for over a year now. My daughter is 2 now, she just started ballet class a few weeks ago. Fortunately I'm not teaching her. She's taking class with my old ballet teacher. Yeah, I can't think of anything else, so au revior for another year!

random thoughts

2006-02-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should blog something.

I feel like I could complain about how I was sick this week, how work has been crazy the last couple of weeks. I've been teaching so many extra classes lately, in the last two weeks I've taught 71 hours. My previous record was 46. 20-25 hours a week is considered a heavy teaching load, one Thurs I taught 9 classes, pretty much in a row. But, I love it. Yes it's been exhausting but I wouldn't give up my job for anything. I could ahve lived without Molly being sick with yet another ear infection and then getting pretty sick myself, but c'est la vie.

But really, life is great. "Isn't it funny how you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive?"

I saw The End of the Spear the other day. What an amazing story. Made me feel like my life has been so easy, my faith so un-tested. I have a burning desire to DO something, but I don't know what yet. I'm praying and studying on it so hopefully God will let me know what He wants from me.

end of year review

2005-12-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's nice sometimes to look back on the year and remember what happened

~January 2005~

1. Did you have a new year's resolution this past year?
- I don't think so

2.Who kissed you at midnight?
- nobody

3. Does it snow where you live?
- hahaha, funny

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
- yummmmmmmm

5. Have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop?
- nope

~February 2005~

1. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
- when I remembered to. I was a pretty scatterbrained kid (has that changed?)

~March 2005~

1. Are you Irish?
- nope. I am a bit Welsh though

2. Do you wear green on St. Patrick's Day?
- once again, if I remember

3. What did you do for St. Patrick's Day in 2005?
- ummmm, went to work

~April 2005~

1. Do you like the rain?
- love it! Even better if there's a thunderstorm (that's the only thing I miss about Oklahoma)

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
- I'm bad at those, I've never been successful so I stopped trying.

3. Do you get tons of candy on easter?
- not really. My sister and I made Easter baskets for the family so we put in cool stuff like socks and jewlery

~May 2005~

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
- Cala lilies, Lily of the Valley and roses

3. Do you like the spring?
- absolutely!

4. Finish the phrase: April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?
- ME!

5. What do you think of as spring colors?
- light green and yellow

~June 2005~

1. What year did/do you graduate from school?
- I finished in 2004, yay!

2. Did you go on any vacations last June?
- nope, I did get a vacation from work though and did diddly-squat

~July 2005~

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
- watched my friends play softball. I'm sure I did something later but I can't remember what it was

3. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
- nope, I was working

~August 2005~

1. Did you do anything special to end off your summer?
- hehehe, I kissed a boy....

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05?
- August 20th, at about 2am in the park

3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer?
- as a kid I did, but now it's been years cause we don't ahve a pool

4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
- a few times but I'm not a sand person and I'm scared of fish

~September 2005~

1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
- nope

2. Did you travel anywhere?
- I attempted to travel to Disneyland and have a vacation but that didn't work out so well

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
- no way, spring all the way baby

~October 2005~

1. What was your favorite halloween costume ever?
- a girl in my ballet class in college dressed up as a mustard bottle. Also, in jr. high one of my best friends was a picnic table, complete with ants

2. What's your favorite candy?
- mmmmmm, chocolate and peanut butter

3. What did you dress up like this year?
- I borrowed a crown from work and took my little Tinkerbell trick-or-treating

~November 2005~

1. What did you do for Thanksgiving?
- spent it with family and friends, went hiking with my family, had an emergency appendectomy. Nothing exciting ;)

2. Do you like stuffing?
- I do actually. I hated it as a kid though

3. What are you thankful for?
- knowing that I am forgiven and washed clean, my beautiful daughter, my wonderful family, the most supportive and encouraging guy in my life, my fabulous job that I love,

4. Did you travel?
- I tried...

~December 2005~

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
- it's only the best holiday in the world!

2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
- I think so. I bought some this year just to make sure

3. What do you want for Christmas this year?
- a date!

4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
- a healthy ultrasound and last year I got the leather jacket I've been dying for since jr. high

5. Do you like cold weather?
- yuck! It's only bearable if I have a source of heat to curl up next to

6. What are you doing this New Year's Eve?
- going to a New Year's Eve party with David

7. Are you going on any vacations over Christmas Vacation?
- nope

8. What is next years resolution going to be?
- to go on more dates and get my lazy butt to the gym

ouch: redux

2005-11-28T23:54:00.000-08:00

I'm typing this perched uncomfortably on the end of my chair and slightly dazed from the drugs, please forgive any mis-spellings.

On to the story: I was up all Sat night with what I thought was a case of food poisoning. Which was very upsetting since I went out to dinner with David and some of his friends and had really yummy steak and cheese-cake. From about 3am to 7am I camped out in teh bthroom puking my gts up. Past the point where you have anything to puke, and I was in lots of pain and thought I was going to pass out. So my mom called to 24hr nurse line and I talked to them and they said to go ahead and go to the hospital, if nothing else to get some fluids pumped into me.

My dad drives me to the hospital Sun morning and they proceed to poke me and I proceed ot say "ow that hurts alot" so they took a CAT scan of my belly and it turns out my appendix is imflamed and I get rushed in for an emergency appendectomy.

I can't say I remember much at this point except that the surgeon had to explain the procedure to me and I kept falling alseep and he kept getting mad at me.

I do remember waking up in teh hospital room and my parents are syaing good-bye and David si there and is there every time I manage to keep my eyes open for a few minutes. He's a keeper.

So yeah. I got sent home this monring with instructions not to lift anything and not to work for 2 weeks. Ouch, it's gonna be a tight Christmas this year. I feel bad, my boss is in South Africa and we were already scrambling to get all our classes covered and now I'm out too. I would so rather be working than recovering from surgery.

catching up

2005-11-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lack of recent updates, life and all you know.

Let's see....
my ankle is much better. I'd say it's about 90% healed. Still a little sore when I rise onto demi-point and it's definitely not as flexible as my left foot but getting better all the time.

Work is good. We're getting ready for our Nutcracker production on the 19th and 20th. Everyone is working extra hard because Paloma Herrera and Rasta Thomas are coming to be our Sugar Plum Fairy and cavalier. I'm playing the part of Clara's mother, which is actually a lot more fun that I was expecting it to be. When I was a dancer at the studio the party scene was the one scene I never wanted to be in, now it's the only scene I'm in. Maybe I just like being one of the ones in charge at rehearsals...the power thing is nice.

I just spent my first few nights without Molly. My parents took her to Arrowhead with them for a few days. It was nice because I've been really late at the theater and it was nice not to worry about her but I missed her a lot. But I'm glad she's back now. She starts at pre-school on Monday morning. Well, it's the toddler room, so not really pre-school. It's pre-pre-school. The same room my sister works in so I'm pretty excited. The school is really good (expensive too, good thing my parents are helping out), I think it's going to be really good for her to have the stimulation and the regular routine. Poor thing, every day is different for us now and it's starting to wear on her. I'm a little sad and nervous about it but I know it'll be good for both of us in the end so I'm going to be brave. I'm looking forward to having some free time in the afternoons. I'm going to go to the gym I think.

Things with David are great. We're slowly getting to know each other and so far, I'm liking everything I'm learning. We're up to three real dates, as of Monday it'll be two months officially, three unofficially. But who's counting right?

That's about all my life consists of these days. Work, Molly, David. There's new pics up on smugmug if you want to see them.

OH! So, I've discovered the myspace.com is a great way to hook up with old friends. A few weeks ago we had an old school studio reunion. Just today I had another one of the girls I used to dance with find me through there. It's been great getting together with old friends again. K, now I'm done catching up I think.

haha

2005-10-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

so much for taking it easy this week. Of the 21 classes I regularly teach in a week, I've taught 15. Plus one class that I normally don't teach. I forced myself to use crutches everytime I leave the house all week until yesterday. I went shopping with my mom and left them in the car while we were at one store but eneded up getting them out again later. I can walk normally as long as I don't try anything fancy, like changing directions.

I love my job but it sucks sometimes working for such a small company. I'm basically "on-call" to sub any class that needs a teacher, but when I need a sub we have problems. I'm hoping that maybe this week has made my boss realize a little better just how much I am working. It's always good to be valued.

In other news:
it's been nearly a month since we've been "official" and almost two since we started pursing a relationship and life is gooooood. We've only been on one real date in that time but it was a good one. Dinner at this really nice place called Il Fornio and then we went to the ballet. We saw the National Ballet of China doing Raise the Red Lantern. It's based on the movie. It was pretty good, not great but good. They changed the ending which I wasn't a big fan of but I LOVED the way they used props. Fans, scarves, paper lanters, paper walls, mah jong tables...they were woven into the dancing so effortlessly I loved it. A lot of times when props are used in ballets they look out of place, like the choreographer thought, "oh, that'd be cool if we had a fan for this step" and then the fan gets used for nothing else. Pointless.

There was one dance where the third concubine is meeting with her lover at the theater and everyone is wearing these jackets with the extra long sleeves (I'm so in love with those, one day I'm going to use them in a dance) and as they do their pas de deux among all the people, they keep slipping themselves in and out of her jacket, flipping it right-side and inside-out. Some times he wears it, sometimes she does, sometimes both. That was probably my favorite part of the whole ballet. That and the death scene at the end when the 2nd and 3rd concubine (wives, whatever) and the lover are being excecuted, they had the corps men walk across the back of the stage with these oversized sticks, probably four or five feet long, that must have had some kind of spongey material on the ends dipped in red paint. They walked out and randomly started hitting a screen hung across the back of the stage so they looked like gashes, presumabley from some one being beaten to death. A very cool death scene.

The baby is getting bigger and bigger all the time. She likes to steal my phone and pretend to talk on it. I should have some new pics of her up sometime soon-ish. Some Disneyland pics too.

I think I've rambled on enough Au revoir!

ouch :(

2005-09-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck on the couch.

I was teaching this morning and as I was bouncing around with the kids I got into an arguement with a step and the step won. I've managed to sprain my ankle pretty badly. There's a golf-ball sized lump on the side of my ankle and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. I went to the doctor and got it x-rayed so I know it's not fractured or anything, just badly sprained.

It's been a hectic morning trying to get all my classes covered since I can't really teach now. But at least now I have a great excuse to sit on my butt and not be productive!

long story short.

2005-09-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've been tyring all week to blog the events of last weekend. I can't even figure out how to write them all down in a way that will make sense so I'm going to try and do it chonologically.

Friday, Sept. 2: Official first day of my vacation with my siblings. Spend the morning packing, putzing around the house. That afternoon I saw B. Can't remember what we did but it was nice. Friday night we checked into the hotel (the Anaheim Hilton, I highly reccomend, they were extremely courteous and the place was really nice...plus they have a Starbucks in the lobby). The baby refused to go to sleep until everyone went to bed. She woldn't stop crying when I put her in her crib so she ended up sleeping in the double bed that my sister and I were sharing. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep. Probably four hours total.

Sat, Sept. 3: A friend of ours took the baby for the day. My siblings and I spend the day at Disneyland. Very fun. We went on all the new rides: the new Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyears Astro-blasters (it's just like the Men in Black ride at Universal Studios, only Toy Story themed), Soaring over California (not new but really cool), and the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. All four were very very fun. We left at about 3 to go see one of our friends who was playing a concert that afternoon and to pick up the baby. Also very fun. Great band, great concert. That night I decided to stay at home with the baby so we could actually get some decent sleep. B came over with his little boy for awhile and the babies played together. Really really nice.

Sun, Sept. 4: Go to Disneyland with the siblings and the baby. My brother took off as soon as we got in the gates to spend the day by himself. My sister and I took the baby on Small World. She sat in the boat between us, just staring with the biggest eyes at everything. Since my sister and I were both starving by then, we decided to go get some lunch. I got in line to buy us hot dogs, she got in line to get us some ice cream, cause it was HOT! As I was standing in line I started getting light-headed. I knew I needed food and needed it then or I was going to pass out. The line was crawling though. I thought I could make it so I stayed in line. As I got up to the front of the line I was on the verge of passing out so I leaned against the counter for a minute while someone asked for napkins or straws or something. Struggling to stay upright I asked for two hot dogs, then I gave up and slid down the counter to the ground.
I never actually lost consciousness but I was damn close. I think I heard someone call for help but it was taking all my energy to stay conscious. I heard the baby crying and tried to call for my sister but I couldn't seem to get my mouth to work. Next thing I know an employee is kneeling next to me offereing me some water, asking if I'm ok. The I heard my sister come over and take charge. They asked if I wanted a nurse and my sister yes, even though I was trying to say no. I dont think anyone heard me. A nurse came and helped me walk over to some shade so I could sit down. I laid down on the ground and that helped the world stop spinning a bit. All I could think was that I was so hot and so sweaty (I hate that cold sweat I break out in before I pass out) I just wanted to lay down and sleep and then eat something. In the end, they got a wheelchair and took me off to the first aid clinic and let me lay down in a air conditioned room for a little while while my sister and baby hung out with me. I felt much better after a while so my sister got us something to eat and then I felt well enough to get going again.
Since we never got to eat the ice cream my sister had bought, we ended up getting a $10 food voucher from Disney which we used before we left. Mmmmmm, we went to this old-fashioned ice cream parlour they have and got a huge sundae and a waffle cone of chocolate frozen yogurt. I was fine, just a little fragile the rest of the day.

Mon, Sept. 4: After the adventures of the weekend I was really looking forward to Labor Day. B and I had planned to take the baby to this big park in Irvine that has a train and a zoo and pony rides, then we were going to go to dinner and a movie (I even had a baby-sitter lined up and everything!). A nice relaxing day. As we were packing up our picnic, the baby tripped over my foot and landed face-first into a corner of a wall. I swooped down to pick her up because I knew she'd be upset, it was a pretty rough fall. As I turned her over all I could see was this river of blood running down her face. Mommy mode took over and I rushed her to the sink to get a compress on her head. In the end, after both she and I were covered in blood, B got the blood to ease up so we could see how bad it was. Looking at the inch long gash in the middle of her forehead, right between the eyebrows, I decided to take her to the hospital and get it stichted up. B stayed with me the whole time, which I am so grateful for.
So my day of relaxation turned into a day spent at the hospital waiting to get stitches in my daughters head. Five stitches and three hours later, we were home. We rented two movies The Life Aquatic and the Best of Will Farrell to unwind after our intense afternoon. The Life Aquatic was really disappointing. If you liked the Royal Tennenbaum's you'll like it but if, like me, you thought it was random and uninteresting, you won't like the Life Aquatic either.

Phew. And to top it all off, I went back to work on Tues.

After a rather disappointing vacation I do have one good thing to add: B and I are half-way to being official. We talked to my parents last night, now we just need to talk to our pastor and the deed is done. I'm sure that there will be some un-pleasantness with some people in the future but I'm so happy right now I don't care. The baby got her stiches out on Fri and it's healing really well. I've been calling it her "Harry Potter" scar.

Life is crazy but good these days.

interesting

2005-08-29T01:55:00.000-07:00

check out http://www.bostonuk.com/names/default.asp it's remarkably accurate in some repects...

"Robynne-English: Shining Fame

You are idealistic and have a keen intellect and imagination. Philosophical with a gentle, romantic and giving nature your desire is to help others and benefit mankind. You attract many friends and are loved by all for your nurturing and understanding ways. Once a project has been started your determination and focus always ensures that it is completed. You exude peace and contentment and bring this into your environment and associations. "

although I don't agree too much with the philosophical bit, I usually try not to think so hard...

2005-08-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

YAY!!!!!! As soon as I come back to Earth I'll tell you about it.

friends with benefits?

2005-08-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

wow. this weekend has been verrrrrrrrrry interesting.

For those of you who need a refresher on the cast of characters:

A: just got a new girlfriend who I like very much. I'm finally releived of the guilt that I may have scarred him for life. Yay!
B: whoa. lots more on B in a minute.
C: I've done a 180 on C. After cooling informing me that he'll "let me know if or when he's ready to date me,"C is not very high on the list of people on my good side. In fact, over the last few weeks he has gotten progressively more and more annoying. He's pretty much become a self-centered drama queen. I think I rolled my eyes or wanted to shoot myself at least 20 times over the course of this evening.

So, on to this weekend:

A couple of us heard that there was going to be this spectacular meteor shower, peaking on Friday night and continuing through Sat night. B suggested that after Bible study on Fri we head over to the hills where we hiked to watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. I thought this was a great idea. Unfortunately it was cloudy but we thought it might be better up in the hills. So we hiked up there. It was B, myself, my brother and three other people. C skipped out because he had a "migraine." (if two Advil can get rid of it I don't consider it a migraine) We got about a qurter of a mile up the trail before we realized that the sky was not getting any clearer and my brother pointed out that the meteors were supposed to be on the other side of the ridge we were hiking next to. So, we doubled back a bit and found a way to get to the trail on the top of the ridge. One of the guys had brought a guitar so he pulled it out and we just chilled on top of the ridge for a couple of hours.

B and I spent most of those hours cuddling in some way. It was so peaceful there. Just standing on this ridge in the dark, listening to a guitar, someone singing occasionaly, with B's arms wrapped around me. I will freely admit I could have stayed there all night. Nothing happened other than cuddling but it was nice.

Jump to tonight:
Tonight was "Board Game night." We get together at the church, whoever wants to brings snacks or food, we play board games for a few hours. Speed Uno is a favorite of ours. Sadly, tonight it was only B, myself, my brother and C. Wow. Talk about all shades of awkward and uncomfortable.

When we had to leave the church ( the janitors arrived) we decided to head back up to the hills to see if we could see anything better than Fri night. My brother bailed which would have left just me, B and C but thankfully someone else called up and decided to join us.

The view wasn't much better tonight but it was still so peaceful to be up there. Unfortunately, because C was there, there could really be no cuddling. I was very frustrated. B was too. But B and I managed to score the backseat to ourselves on the way back to our cars so we feigned sleep and got a bit of cuddling in that way. Grrrrr, still frustrating.

My brother had taken my car to go home so B gave me a ride. I hopped out before anything else could happen. Not because I didn't want it to but because that is not a decision I can make lightly right now. Nothing's been said so I don't really know how B feels about all this. I do know that if anything were to happen between us there's no way it could be just a fling, but at the same time, both of us are really gun-shy of a serious relationship. We're both single parents and I'm not sure either of us is really ready to take that on in someone else. This is scary new ground for me. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Stayed tuned as the drama unfolds.....

I'm so sad

2005-08-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

I saw this on a friend's blog and as I was reading it I was thinking what my answers would be. In all reality, they're pretty sad so I figured what better place to post them on my angsty blog that only Daniel reads? He already knows I'm pathetic so what the heck....

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? my still not flat tummy
2. How much cash do you have on you? $2 and some change
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? best
4. Favorite plant? this is a tough one....since it says plant not flower I'm going to go with weeping willows
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Charlie
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? some polka-thingy
7. What shirt are you wearing? a pj tank-top
8. Do you "label" yourself, could you? not particularly
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? ummmm, God's I guess
10. Bright or Dark Room? semi-dark
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? she's a friend of a friend so not much really
12. Ever "spilled the beans"? not when it really mattered
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
14. What did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say?"yeah I left work early and picked up Ace. How was your day?" from Dave
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? only on accident
16.What's a saying that you say a lot? "I didn't do it" I say that at work a lot these days
17. Who told you they loved you last? I can't remember that far back. Possibly Daniel. It's been a loooooooooong time
18. Last furry thing you touched? Molly's stuffed animals that I was cleaning up
19. How many hours a week do you work?depends on the week, between 30-50
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? none
21.Favorite age you have been so far? 20 was a really good year
22. Your worst enemy? myself
23. What is your current desk top picture? picture of Molly from memorial day
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Goodnight, I'm off to bed"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose? definately a million bucks

woohoo!

2005-08-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow at 6am I'm going to go to the gym with my dad. I want to get in shape so that when I'm on stage for Nutcracker I don't look like a big fat blue whale in my big fat blue dress. It's not an ugly dress, I think it's quite pretty actually, I'm just finally really motivated to get back into shape. Besides, it'll be nice to have someone to go with again. When Daniel and I used to go together it was nice, we didn't do the same things but I had someone to go with and someone to leave with and that was enough.

We had a really great speaker at church tonight. An old friend of our regular pastor. He is a missionary in Venezuala working with the street kids. He runs a ranch out in the country and they bring kids from the street who want to get off drugs and get an education. It was really inspiring. It made me think of Daniel. I know he wanted to be assigned to Latin America for peace corps and this seems like the kind of thing he would find very satisfying to be part of.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. I'm on my own at the studio which means I have to teach all the classes, plus I have to take care of any problems and since the fall schedule just came out, I get to answer lots of questions and stuff. It's not as bad as I was expecting it to be, but still tiring and stressful. Mostly tiring.

I'm also having a very hard time emotionaly. I've now been single for about a year and a half: the longest I've been single since my first boyfriend at 17. It's tough. I still hate sleeping alone. I still crave physical affection. A lot. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of depnding so much on my parents to help me with Molly. I don't want to be a single mom for the rest of my life. It doesn't help that most guys my age are definately not interested/ready to be dads.

So what do I do? I fall for a guy who is 8 years older than me. It doesn't bother me at all that he's older than me. I've always gotten along best with people older than me. But I think that if my parents find out they'll be upset. They like him, but I don't think they'd like me dating him. However, I'm not too concerned about it because it's highly unlikely we'll ever date. He's even less interested in relationships than Daniel (yes, it's actually possible), and sadly, I can't blame him after the stories he's told me.

I've decided that it's better for me to fall for someone who I'm never going to date, and who I value so much as a friend that I'll never act on my feelings so that at least those feelings are occupied and not getting me in trouble in other ways. So I'm not doing anything about it, just allowing myself to be occupied with it until God points out to me if He's picked someone for me to be with or not. It's not fool-proof and I don't completely understand what all I just wrote but smile and nod and give me a little pat on the back so I get my affection fix and we'll call it even.

Robynne and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...

2005-07-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

bah, today was just not my day. It even started out bad.

I woke up this morning at 9:07 because the phone was ringing. My first thought of the day was "oh s***!" What a great way to start my day. My first class on a Tuesday starts at 9am. The phone was my babysitter wondering if I was home and could I please let her in? General hurry-ing and stressing ensued and I got to the pre-school where I teach at 9:30. Fortunately, I have two hours to teach two 45 minute classes so I fudged it and got out of there by 11 without really shorting either of the classes for time.

On I drove to Corona Del Mar to teach my two classes for the city. Both went fine. It was hot but the kids were sweet and everything was cool. So I packed up my stuff and tossed things into the closet I have there to store stuff in. It was only after I locked and closed the cupboard that I realized I had just locked my keys inside. My car keys, my city keys, my studio keys. Bah. I did manage not to lock my cell phone in so I called city hall and asked them to send someone to open it for me.

30 minutes later someone shows up. Just to give you a timeline, it was now 2:45. I'm supposed to be at the studio by 2:30.

She has a huge keychain full of keys. Every key to every lock in the center. Except for the key to my cupboard. Crap.

So she goes back to city hall to get the key, comes back and opens it for me and voila! I have keys again. It's now 3:35.

I race off to try and get to Santa Ana to teach my class at 4. Luckily I happened to have some crackers in my car otherwise I would have been both pissed and hungry. Hungrier at any rate.

Of course, traffic is awful. I creep down the freeway.

I raced into the studio at 3:59.

Chicago anyone?

2005-07-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

so, my sister and I are thinking about going to Chicago over Labor Day weekend. Why you ask? Well, it started because my parents are going to Vancouver that week (my dad has a trade show and my mom is gonna go with then they'll take a few extra days vacation afterwards) and I was thinking about joining them up there because the flights are pretty cheap. but then, I thought, nah, I don't want to be the third wheel on their vacation so I looked to see if there were cheap flights anywhere else. Then, my sister said she has a four day weekend over Labor Day so we thought, hey, we should go somewhere with the baby!

My sister has this goal of seeing a baseball game in all the ball-parks in the US so she looked up where teams were going to have home games in places she hasn't been to yet. Our cheapest options ended up being Chicago, Pittsburg and Denver. We both decided that Chicago seemed the best choice by far. Besides, I was pretty sure that I knew people who live in Chicago.

So, the point of telling you all this....anyone know someone I can crash with my sister and my baby in Chicago? Or, does anyone know of a really cheap place to stay?

At the moment I'm impatiently waiting for my sister's room-mate to finish reading her Harry Potter book so I can read it next. It's the newest one. I really hope her room-mate isn't a slow reader. In the mean time I'm re-reading some of my comfort books. I love to sit outside in my backyard with my feet up and keep an eye on the baby playing with her red car while I read. The nice thing about comfort books is that I already know the jist of the story so I can keep an eye on the baby without missing out on the book. It makes multi-tasking easier.

I went back to work this week. It's been crazy busy. I'm working less hours in the summer but they're all back to back now. Instead of having a 2-3 hour lunch, I get the the 20 minutes it takes me to drive from one studio to the next. But I start later and finish earlier so the jury is still out on whether the new schedule is better or not.

back to work

2005-07-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

well, the recital is over, the wedding is over, the baby's birthday party is over. All of my crazy busyness over the last two months is over. I've been reveling in my vacation the last three weeks. I didn't go anywhere or do anything exciting but I did get to play with the baby all day long and read some books and putz around the house. It was nice.

But I'm glad to go back to work, I did miss it. Besides, I always start feeling guily about being lazy after a week or so. I've been teaching just a class or two a day this week which helped get me back into the swing of things. I have the best schedule ever.

I'm going to an R.A.D. teachers workshop on sat. It's titled "Look, See, Observe and Reflect." I'm assuming we're gong to look, see, observe (aren't they all the same things?) and reflect. I'm looking forward to it. I think that one or two of the girls from my studio may be demonstrating but I'll find out on Sat. I hope at least one is, it would be nice to know if I'm seeing the same things in them as other teachers.

My boss said something pretty cool to me the other week. She told me that she thinks I have the makings of an excellent teacher. Right now I'm good, but I could be even better. She's offered to kinda give me my own privtae teaching course. The RAD has one but it's really expensive and the kinks haven't been worked out of the new syllabus. Maybe in a couple of years I'll think about it. Fortunately for me, I've already passed all the dancing exams I need to qualify. I think this coming fall I'm going to be teaching in the evenings a little less and sitting in on more classes as well as working the desk more. I definately think that I'm being groomed to take over the studio eventually. That's fine with me, I would love to but if I do I'm going to have to marry a wealthy man because I don't think owning a studio pays too well.

:(

2005-07-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

My uncle died yesterday.

He was my aunt's second husband who I only remember meeting a couple of times. He had diabetes and has been sick for a really long time.

I'm just glad he's with the Lord now and free from pain and free of his deteriorating body. I'm also glad that my aunt is now free from the strain and stress and heartache of his illness.

Be at peace Uncle Wim.

ummmm, yeah. anyways...

2005-06-30T23:10:00.000-07:00

you know what feeling I really hate? Well, not so much a feeling as a situation. I hate it when you think someone may like you, but you don't really know for sure but either way you don't want them to and you're stuck in uncomfortableville. You wonder if you're just imagining it and tell yourself to stop being so self-involved and conceited to think that it has to be you. But then, you feel guilty. Do you really want to tell them it's never going to happen because you'll miss the ego boost? I'll just ignore it, maybe it'll go away.

2005-06-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm admiting that I have several crushes at the moment.

Some of them are people I never have and never will meet in person but they'r ejust gosh darn pretty to look at.

Some of them I see rather often.

One of them I don't see often enough.

I'm being cryptic on purpose because I'm not sure if my little brother still reads this and he knows some of these people. I was just musing to myself on how silly it seems to still have crushes on people. But then how not silly it seems at the same time. Crushes are good in a way. At least it reminds me I'm not so jaded and tired and mommmy-ish not to be interested. But then it reminds me I'm too jaded and tired and mommy-ish to be very sought after. It's a vicious circle.

I also need a new book to read. I just finshed "The Mageborn Traitor" by Melanie Rawn. The thing I hate about series of books is waiting for the next one to come out. I always get bored and morose when I finish a book. I'm open to suggestions for new ones.....

deep breath in...

2005-06-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

phew. It's been a very busy weekend.

Friday was my friend's bridal shower, which as a bridesmais I was helping to host. Yesterday we had out auditions for Nutcracker and toay was the recital for my student in the recreation program. Too bad I'm just getting started.

The bridal shower was fun, albeit boring just like any other bridal shower. They're going to Jamacia for their honeymoon so we had a luau themed shower so at least it was a little less boring that usual. The food was excellent at least. And the decorations were awesome *wink*

Saturday was a verrrrrry long day. I was at work form 8:45am to almost 7pm. Anyone who has ever been around a ballet studio will know that Nutcracker parts are practically the basis for what becomes the studio hierarchy for the eyar. Who gets to be Clara being one of those all-important questions. This year we're also having a lot of competition over who gets to be Fritz as well. Fortunately none of us teachers are picking those parts. The choreographer will pick those in August when we start rehearsals. It's like life and death to some of the girls. I'm not sure I like being responsible for all this....

My little recital went really well. The kids did a great job, even if a lot of them just spaced out and stood there looking cute and lost. My boss told me I did a great job so I'm happy. I was pretty proud of my students. I got two beautiful bouquets from some students so, all in all, I'm satisfied.

This week we start all of our technical rehearsals so I'll have to put my grown-up, in charge face on. But in two weeks it will all be over and I'll have two weeks off to play and rest and finally put together the furniture that I got for my birthday...it's been sitting in my room waiting to be put together for almost a month.

mmmmmm, Greek.....

2005-06-05T01:35:00.000-07:00

I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants tonight. It was good for what it was. The acting was all very good, even if the story was sometimes a little chick-flick-y for my taste.

But I did very much enjoy the yummy Greek boy one of the characters hooks up with. Yummmmmmmy. I've decided I would like a yummy Greek boy for myself. Anyone offering?

I definately have a thing for guys who have a bit of Mediterranian or Latin blood in them. Yumm. They always seem to have such a passion for living that I just love. Maybe I hope it'll rub off on me. Go figure the baby's dad is as English as they get. That must have been why I knew it would never work between us.

mmmmmmm.....I'm off to dream myself up some yumminess.

being brave

2005-05-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for a writing class. No one but Dr. Phelps has ever seen it until now. Please keep your laughter to yourself.

Sanctuary
Last day together in a
Golden, almost silent church,
A sanctuary,
Soft leaves underfoot.
Memories of things to be
Unspoken reassurance.
Sudden giddiness.
Sudden silence.

Hello my name is Robynne....

2005-05-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

and I am addicted to flirting.

My friend Dave and I have recently discovered that we share an affliction. We are both incorrigable flirts. Which is a very bad thing when we hang out together. Especially when we hang out together with our other friends, including guy-I-almost-dated.

I feel bad afterwards, but at the time it's like I have no control over myself. We feed off each other. My biggest problem is that I'm addicted to physical affection, but since I get, like, none, even the littlest does me in. It's like alcohol. If you drink lots of it you develop a high tolerance. It seems I can't hold my affection. I get a high off it like you wouldn't believe.

We tell each other all the time that we're going to start behaving now and stop with the flirting but then we do it all over again. And it's not just with my friend Dave, I flirt with everyone! Arg, I'm very frustrated with myself over it. If anyone has any brillient ideas, please feel free to share, I'm all ears.

well...

2005-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

well, it's 12:01 and my birthday is officially over. It ended up being 180 degreees different from what I was expecting. I figured I'd go to work, come home, do laundry, play with the baby, then go to Bible study and hang out and maybe go see a movie afterwards. The most I was hoping for would be to get to pick the movie.

So, I went to work, came home, did laundry, played with the baby, went to Bible study and surprise! My sister and my friends threw me a surprise party. I was expecting my birthday to be no big deal but everyone made such a fuss over me tonight. Not only did they throw me a party, but they called my mom and got my favorite kind of cake ever (angel food cake with strawberries, I have it for my birthday every year) AND ice cream. Peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, yum!

My sister brought a box full of decks of cards and I taught my new friends how to play nertz. We used to play it all the time in high school. It's kinda like communal solitaire, very fun, very hard if you're not good at multi-tasking. Then we came back to my house and played my new favorite game Disney Scene-it.

All in all it was an excellent birthday. I'm going to go to bed now in my new pajamas, yay!

Happy Birthday to me

2005-05-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

well, it will officially be my birthday in 50 minutes. I have reached the ripe old age of 23. I don't feel any different.

We should just stop having birthdays at 21, there's nothing exciting after that. I never really had much a birthday celebration last year since I had just driven from Oklahoma and was very pregnant at the time. I think I spent my last birthday un-packing.

I'm planning to spent part of this birthday working, but only two classes and I'm not going in tomorrow afternoon to work the desk. I'm gonna get my toes done and maybe go hang out in the backyard and work on my tan. I'm looking forward to it, actually. It'll be nice not to have to go to work to do nothing for four hours. That may sound like fun to you but not to me.

Anyways..happy birthday to me.

if I think of a snappy title I'll come back and edit this one...

2005-04-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

So that little thing called life has been interfearing with my ability to keep my eyes open, which affects my ability to update this thing.

Work has been very busy. The studio I teach at does both the Royal Academy of Dancing's exams, as well as the American Academy of Ballet's Performance Awards. The kids have to learn some set exercises then perform them. The RAD exams are done in a closed room with no one there aside from the students and the examiner (an outside teacher sent by the RAD). Performance Awards is done in front of a judge and family is encouraged to come and watch. We did our Performance Awards at a local high school theater this year which was very fun. Both of them took place at the beginning of the month, exams were April 4th and Performance Awards were on April 9th. Talk about a stressful week! I was very proud of all my students and I thought all of them did an excellent job.

The baby is keeping me very very busy as well. She's got four teeth on top now to join the two she got on bottom for Christmas. It looks so funny when she smiles. She's busy pulling ehrself up on all the furniture and is getting very brave. She likes to stand up, then let go with one hand and wave it around. As soon as she lets go with the other she falls down though. Sometimes she gets very smart and leans against the furniture so she can wave around both arms. But then she still falls over. She is also very busy taking the safety plugs out of the outlets. She likes to chew on them.

In other news, I am officially single again (not that I was ever official not single but that's not the point). I also dyed my hair veyr red and chopped it off. It's not the shortest it's ever been, but pretty short. The longest bits graze my shoulders now.

The baby had her first sleep-over on Sat. That was weird. My parents and I and some other friends of mine went to see the Lion King musical on Sat night and my sister took the baby to stay with her for the night. The show was fantastic! When Daniel and I went to the Field Museum in Chicago, there was an exhibit going on about Julie Taymor's costumes for the show. We didn't see it because it was extra but they had some of the people in costumes wandering around the musem. Wow! If I thought those were cool they were nothing compared to seeing the show. I had tears in my eyes half the show it was just so beautiful. I was amzed by how simple all the costumes seemed to be, even thought I'm sure they must have been extremely complex to design and create. The hyena costuems especially intrigued me. I was very glad I had my little binoculars so I could get a closer look at how they worked. It was just beautiful how the costumes themselves were such an integral part of the show's effect.

Speaking of costumes. Guess what I'll be in this November. Something I never thought I'd be roped into doing again. Oh yes, Nutcracker. No dancing for me this time, I've been roped into being Clara's mother. Go figure, the one scene I always avoided being in I'll now be a central part of. Oh well, it'll be fun to be on stage again. I do miss it.

I thik that's just about all of my news lately. Hopefully I'll be able to update a little more frequently now. And right on cue, the baby just woke up form her nap...

musings

2005-04-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was watching edTV this morning (it's amazing the awful cheesey movies they play on Sunday mornings) and one of the characters said something half-way interesting. I can't remember the exact words but it was along the lines of, "I'm a coroner. Ask me what's wrong after a relationship has ended and I can pinpoint the cause of death. But in them, I'm lost."

It's been over a year since I last spoke to Molly's father. I look back now and I can see just how much he manipulated me. It's scary now, actually. I can see how he alienated me from my friends, my support group in Oklahoma. It started with Daniel, then my roommate, then anyone in general. He was starting on my family when things between us finally ended. I'm so thankful that something in my head turned back on when he started subtley trying to alienate me from my family. I can only imagine the horror and mess my life would have become if I stayed with him. *shudder* It's a Lifetime movie of a nightmare.

Thank you Daniel for not giving up on me and for convincing me to come home. I owe you my life.

2 years

2005-03-19T00:14:00.000-08:00

I really hate sleeping alone. I've been doing it for pretty much 2 years and I'm still not used to it. I miss feeling someone else's weight in bed with me, a hint of body heat against me, the tickle of their breath against my ear. I think this may be the cause of my recent inability to go to bed. Once I make myself go to bed I'm out like a light, my probem is that I hate having to make myself do it. Probably all this congestion isn't helping.

On a completely un-related note, I had a bunch of students apologize to me today. A whole group of them have been acting like little s**** lately and all the teachers got together and told them to get rid of the attitude or go find something else to do. Sometimes it's fun to be in charge.

ha!

2005-03-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

I have lots of things to say tonight:

hahaha! take that Daniel, you always laughed at me for my notion of having "comfort books" well guess what? I just bought and read Sunshine by Robin McKinley (my favorite author ever) and the protagonist talks about comfort books just like me!
I am turning into an insomniac.
Someone please explain this stragnge thing to me: I keep getting sick with an awful earache and a spore throat and congestion, but then as soon as I floss my teeth, I feel better. Weird. At least floss is cheaper than going to the doctor.
I am giving up on contestant C. I can't take this single-but-not-really-single-but-I-don't-know-what-the-hell-is-going-on business anymore. I want someone to date me or don't date me. None of this sorta dating thing. The reason we aren't dating is that he is having some sort of emotional/spiritual conflict going on but he won't even give me a hint as to what the heck it's all about. I HATE being left in the dark. Right Daniel? The absolute worst thing though is that it feels as if everytime we make any kind of physical contact, even just brushing against each other in passing, it's as if he flinches. FLINCHES! Like I have some sort of disease. Flinching definately does not go down well with me, I'm an affection addict.
I think Sunshine is my new favorite book.
I'm taking a Pilates class again (finally) starting toorrow. YAY!
I thought of at least five more things to say and now I forgot them. Stupid insomnia.
There better be an email from a certain someone about how much they love my care packages as soon as they back from Kiev. ;)
Girl Scout cookies rock.
My feet are cold.

Ok, I've run out of things to share. I like pink. Oh, that's one more. I should start saving this stuff up for a rainy day. Or a foggy day, that's much more likely. Well, no, it's supposed to rain this weekend. You know, for sunny southern California, it's sure been raining a lot.

Ok, I'm done now.

wait....

now I'm done.

2005-03-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

She's crawling!!!!!!

And also trying very hard to pull herself up on the furniture but that usually ends in tears when she falls down again. Isn't it amazing how you can be so proud of yourself over something you had pretty much nothing to do with?

hooray!!!!-

2005-03-05T23:55:00.000-08:00

My mom got her new car today! It's a 2005 Mazda Tribute, it was the dealer model so it's not new, but it's agot all the luxury stuff and has hardly any milage on it. And guess what that means?? Oh yeah baby, I got my mom's car!!! Happy happy day!!

ew

2005-02-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

We have termites. Not just any termites. We have these; subterranean termites. They live under the house most of the time but then, in lemming like fashion, they all decide to swarm. So up they come through a crack in our kitvhen/living room floor and head towards a source of light. This would be our sliding glass door leasding out to the backyard.

Guess who found them? Oh yes, that would be me. I went to go outside and nearly puked when I saw that the floor was literally crawling with them. Guess who else found them? Oh yes, the baby. While I was vacuuming the termites up I discovered a wing on her lip. They do say it's a good source of protein.

Oh yeah, the wings. They fall off and then they look like big ants and there's all these wings on the ground that look like dried rice. Yum.

Fortunately we got the exterminators to come out and take care of it. They don't tent the house for these kind because it wouldn't do any good, they live undergroud. They drill these little plug things into the ground around the house and a couple right near where they were coming out. The plugs have this sterilizing stuff in them that gets on the outside of the termites who then take it back to the colony and spread it around and then they all die off.

On another note, the a/c in my car has not been working since November, but I didn't bother with getting it looked at until this week because A) I'm lazy and B) it's winter. I took in on Wednesday and they informed it will take between $900-$1900 to fix it, depending on if I want to replace it with the new model or the old model. Ouch. My car isn't even worth that much money. Soooooo....since it is still technically my parents car, they're going to take it for my brother to drive and I'm going to take over the payments on my mom's car (there's about $7000 left to pay on it) and my mom is going to get a new car.

Anyone who knows me knows that this is a very happy solution for me. I LOVE my mom's car. It's a 2002 MAzda Protege5. It's the perfect mommy car without being a soccer mom car. I figure if I'm going to sink that much into a car, it might as well be a newer one that won't keep making me sink money into it while it slowly dies on me. I would probably have spent at least that much keeping my old car running, this way I get an awesome new car out of the deal. Now I just have to be patient until my parents get my mom her new car. Patience is not my forte.

I am scrapbooking challenged

2005-02-23T00:24:00.000-08:00

for some reason, everyone seems ot think that because I had a baby, I'm suddenly filled with this desire to make scrapbooks. At my baby shower I got two scrapbook starter kit thingys, my mom gave me more scrapbooking stuff for Christmas. Why? I have no idea. She must know that I haven't touched the stuff I got from the baby shower, why on earth would I need more????

I tried making a scrapbook once. In Jr. High. It was a disaster. I mean, pages upside-down and crooked disaster. I am missing that "crafty" gene that everyone assumes I have. I can use a hot glue gun but other wise, I am as un-crafty as they get.

My roommate in college was all sorts of crafty. At Christmas, she would get all the decorations out and tell me where to put them, all I did was hang them and make sure things were straight. Artistic? Yes. Crafty? No.

Anyone want some scrapbooking materials?

when it rains, it pours....

2005-02-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

Well, my parents are in the Bahams this week which means that I get to run around all week getting the baby to and from her various babysitters. Yay. On top of that, she's got pink eye and an acute middle ear infection. Double Yay. I'm also still sick. My ears are killing me, as is my throat.

Because I'm feeling so frazzled and worn out, I asked my boss if it would be ok for me to take Friday afternoon off. I don't teach any classes Friday afternoon, I just answer the phone and stuff. No problem she says. I have no complaints about my boss, seriously.

My phone rings while I'm eating my lunch today. It's my boss. Both the Saturday morning ballet teach at the city and our hip-hop teacher at the studio are informing us that they have other commiments for this coming Sat and Monday (respectively). Great. But no, it's ok we get it sorted out.

My phone rings while I'm teaching class this evening. It's our Friday afternoon hip-hop teacher at the city (different hip-hop teacher). She's asking if I can teach her classes this Friday, she's got a work thing that's come up. Great. I told her no. I'm taking my afternoon off if it kills me. There's been clean laundry sitting on my floor since Sunday because I haven't had the time or energy to fold it and put it away.

How is it that three teachers all flake on us in one week? Was there a memo that I missed? They're all great teachers and teach geat classes, but geez it's annoying to ahve them flake out on us all the time. Even more so for me since I'm the resident sub for every and all classes that need a teacher. I love the hours, but I'm burning out.

On a totally different note: if you haven't checked out my best friend's blog, teachertraveler, you should. There's pictures of hawt Ukrainian women in it.

Vegas baby!!

2005-02-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

a good friend of mine is getting married Feb 20 in Vegas and guess who's gonna be there?!?! Oh yeah, me! YAY!!! I'm going to drive up early in the morning and drive back down after the wedding. My parents will have just gotten back from being in the Bahams for a week so I figure they can spend the day with the baby for me. I'm so excited to see my friend again and go to Vegas, I haven't been since I turned 21.

I totally ripped this off

2005-02-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

I stole this from a friend of a friend's blog, I'm tired of being all introspective, it takes too much work

13 random things you like
01) cuddling
02) reading
03) dancing alone in an empty studio
04) thunderstorms
05) singing loudly and badly in my car
06) driving
07) fog
08) nerds
09) red
10) roast potatos
11) Molly
12) traveling
13) sitting near a source of heat, preferably a fire

12 movies
01) Princess Bride
02) The Whole Nine Yards
03) Ever After
04) Center Stage (just for the drool factor)
05) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
06) Love Actually
07) Batman Returns
08) Shrek
09) Mulan
10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
11) Spider-man 2
12) Three to Tango

Eleven good books (I changed this one)
01) Deerskin by Robin McKinley
02) Carnage and Culture by Victor Davis Hansen
03) Spindle's End by Robin McKinley
04) Eight Cousins and A Rose in Bloom by Louisa May Alcott
05) The Chronicles of Narnia
06) The Lord of the Rings
07) Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley
08) Towing Jehovah by James Marrow
09) Mort by Terry Pratchett (I love them all but that's my favorite)
10) Dragonwings by Ann MacAffrey
11) The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley

Ten things about you ... physically
01) blue/green eyes
02) currently red hair
03) 5'5"
04) pale skin
05) losing the baby tummy
06) shoe size 7
07) as someone once put it: "birthing hips" ;)
08) my feet are always cold
09) I can wiggle my ears
10) need my glasses or contacts to see more than three feet away

Eight favorite drinks
01) caffeine free coke
02) cherry 7up
03) hot chocolate
04) hot tea with a little milk and sugar
05) room-tempurature water
06) iced tea, no sweetener
07) margaritas
08) juice'ntea

Seven things you wear daily
01) underwear
02) ring from Israel
03) a shirt that covers my tummy
04) shoes
05) earrings from Daniel (well, almost daily)
06) a shirt
07) Molly drool/spit-up/snot

Six things that annoy you
01) when other people are late
02) moms with an agenda
03) stupid people
04) feeling sorry for myself
05) slow people
06) folding laundry

Five things you touch everyday
01) Molly
02) students
03) my computer
04) my contacts
05) my car keys

Four shows you watch
01) CSI
02) The Amazing Race
03) Without A Trace
04) Best Week Ever

Three celebrities you have a crush on
01) the lead singer of Maroon 5
02) Dominic Monaghan
03) Jonathan Togo (the new, cute guy on CSI:Miami)

Two people you have kissed ;)
01) edgeon
02) magicmarker

One letter you like
01) r

erm

2005-01-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

right now I'm pretty glad that Mr. IQ's blog "new" thingy doesn't work for me. Let's just say that I said some things here that I shouldn't have, I hurt someone and I'm deeply sorry for it.

I truly regret hurting you and I will do everything I can not to let it happen again. I love you.

grrrrrrrrr, frustration

2005-01-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

well, C finally got a clue, yay! However...even though I learned this is mutual, he has yet to actually do smething about it.

I'm not asking for much. No declarations of love please. We've only been on one date alone. I'm all for taking things slow and maintaining integrity and all that jazz but ARGH! this is frustrating.

I'm a pretty affectionate person (right Daniel?). I need some kind of reassurance I don't have an ugly flesh-eating disease. I don't want a lot, not even a kiss if that's the way it has to be but geez! give me something please!

I think I'm gonna have to take up kick-boxing or something.

On a totally unrelated note, I recently bought the soundtrack from the movie Amelie. It's awesome, you should own it.

boys, boys, boys

2005-01-18T23:05:00.000-08:00

cast of characters:

A. - ex-boyfriend from high school. Very affectionate and gets the wrong idea very easily
B. - friend, also a single parent whose son is 2 months younger than my little girl. Very flirty/affectionate personality but I have no interest in adding more babies to my life
C. - friend, not flirty at all but has lots of potential. This one is a keeper.

so much for my theory that I was never going to date again.

Here I was convinced that I would be alone the rest of my life and suddenly I've been out with C. the last two Saturdays. I also ended up cancelling a lunch date with B. today. I have no idea what's going on.

Everyone root for C. to get the hint.

I swear I'm not really like that!

2005-01-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

I was looking back at my recent posts and realized that I only ever blog when I'm upset about something. I'm not nearly as depressed and unhappy as this blog makes me seem. I love my job, I love my daughter. I love my life, I wouldn't change it. Well, maybe I'd change some of the small pointless annoyances but overall I wouldn't change a thing.

yes, there are people (Daniel) who I wish weren't so far away and sometimes I'm really lonely, but I count myself as one of the lucky ones. My life has had so many opportunities to become so much harder and worse than it is.

I got my Christmas present from the Ukraine today. The matrushka dolls are so cute Daniel, yay! I'm going to hold onto Molly's until she's old enough not to suck all the paint off in her attempt to eat it. I haven't listened to the cd yet but it looks interesting.

I've become the Wicked Witch of the West

2005-01-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

I think my skin must be turning green.

It seems that the last few days all I've felt is jealous. Jealous of people I know hooking up, jealous of my friend getting engaged, jealous that my ex mentioned his travel buddy in his blog twice without mentioning me...the original travel buddy.

I find myself jealous of anyone who has a significant other. I can't even seem to get one guy to realize that I'm interested. Bah! I'm having a good pity party, I'll let you know when I'm done.

In happier news, my friend who got engaged asked me to be a bridesmaid. Now I have another motivation to lose the baby weight. Day two of the diet and I'm already struggling :( I decided there was no way I could do the whole, Atkins/South Beach/no carbs thing. I need those carbs to get me through work. Just reducing my food intake and upping the exercise. It's called the "common sense" diet. Wish me luck!

the soon to be Mrs. Eccker

2005-01-03T01:31:00.000-08:00

No, not me. My best friend as a kid got engaged on New Year's Eve. I'm only a tiny bit jealous. Really, only a little. I'm really happy for her, he's a good guy and I think they'll be realy happy.

I'm just a tiny bit jealous is all. Just a tiny bit.

finished

2004-12-28T01:19:00.000-08:00

I started this awhile ago....it felt finished at the time. Life's changed since then, I've changed since then, now it feels finished. It still needs a title though.

I try to put my feet down
But the waves come too fast
And the sand shifts.
Suddenly I’m drowning,
I can’t stand

You were everything I wanted.
You were everything I needed.
But I closed my eyes too tight,
And now I’m miles from where I want to be.

Unreachable, taunting.
Perfection runs from me,
Leaving me stripped.
Stranger with an offer,
I can’t refuse.

You offered everything I wanted.
You offered everything I needed.
But I closed my eyes too tight,
And now I’m a thousand miles from where I want to be.

Surrender, I give up.
Every choice to walk forward
Only leaves me shaking.
As I slip beneath,
Waves crash overhead.

I gave up everything I wanted.
Gave up everything I needed.
I closed my eyes so tight,
And now I don’t know where I want to be.

Take one step, another.
Each one makes the next
Come easier.
The tide is flowing
I can breathe.

I see new things that I’m wanting.
I see new things that I’m needing.
My eyes are opened wide,
Suddenly I’m inches from where I want to be.

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-26T23:14:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. It is absolutely my favorite holiday. I love the lights, I love the carols (real carols, not cheesy holiday music), I love the food, I love catching up with people and getting Christmas cards in the mail. I love it all. This year was even better because for once I actually had the money to spend on people like I wanted to and I had the baby to spoil.

Between my parents and I the baby has enough clothes to last three weeks without doing laundry (YAY!), tons of books, an exersaucer, a little couch-thingy, a dog made out of big wooden beads that she's constantly chewing on and a three foot lion. I'm naming the lion Aslan. It's gorgeous. Big enough that I could confortably lean against it to read a good book and it has the most gentle, peaceful face. Heck, if she doesn't love it I will!

I mostly got clothes, which was good because I need them. My mom got me a beautiful leather jacket which I love to bits and my little brother got me volume 2 of Invader Zim on DVD. It's awesome but totally makes me miss Daniel :(

One downer is that I've been sick for the last 3 1/2 weeks. I haven't felt really ill for about two weeks, but I'm all congested and can't shake this terrible cough I've got and now my mom is sick too. I was hoping that having two weeks to rest would help but I feel like I'm just getting worse so I end up going to the doctor sometime this week.

One of my best friends sang my favorite carol in church tonight...I get shivers every time.....

O Holy night,
The stars are brightly shining.
This is the night of our dear saviour's birth.
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining,
'Till he apeared
And the soul felt it's worth.

A thrill of hope,
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks the new and glorious morn.
(cue shivers)
Fall on your knees,
'O hear the angel voices.
'O night divine,
'O night, when Christ was born.
'O night, divine,
'O night, 'O night divine.

yeah I suck I know

2004-12-07T01:18:00.000-08:00

So it’s been a long time since I blogged. Life’s been pretty hectic since that last post. Here’s the recap:

Nutcracker was a huge success. Everyone got on stage with all their costume pieces on so my job was done. I feel like I really proved myself that week. I did what needed to be done. The night before the show I went out to dinner with my boss, a bunch of the teachers and the two principle dancers we hired to dance the Sugar Plum Fairy and her cavalier -Chan Hon Gho and Peter Boal. It was great to be treated as an equal by the people who were my superiors last time I did this production. The principles were very friendly, I got to sit next to Peter Boal which was fun.

The baby is busy rolling around and spitting on everything. She’s discovered her hands and feet lately which is very fun to watch. I took her to see Santa on Sunday she was so cute! The baby in front of her screamed the second she saw Santa but Mol just gave him a good looking over, decided he was ok and grinned for the camera. She’s such a good baby. She got sick for the first time this weekend which wasn’t so fun. Poor thing has an ear infection.

I had a bunch more thoughts to put in this post while I was driving to work this morning but that was over 12 hours ago, I can’t remember that far back.

sigh

2004-11-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

This is why I should have been the one to make the calender. Yes, it really is out of focus, it's not you.

edit: I talked to her about it today and pointed out how it's out of focus (not to mention the horrible cloning and stuff)........she wants it that way. I give up.

during jazz on Sat.....

2004-10-31T23:32:00.000-08:00

conversation with an 8 year old:

"Ms. Robynne, your baby is so cute."

"Thanks V, keep stretching please."

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Then how did you have a baby?"

"Everyone switch legs please, keep stretching. V, no more talking."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No. I said stretch."

"But then how did you have a baby?"

"All, right, no more talking, everyone stand up please..."

Help.

2004-10-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. I figured writing here would give me something to do but I can't really think of anything interesting to say.

Tonight was fun. My church had a carnival thingy tonight, a sort of alternative to Halloween . I dressed the baby up in a totally cute little elephant outfit. It was fun because for once I didn't have to help with anything. Normally I'm onme of the people working and running things because my mom is the children's director and my dad is a deacon, but tonight I didn't have to, I just got to be a mommy and hang out with my friends. Yes, I do have friends, I just forget sometimes.

I got a funny compliment tonight. I don't normally wear a lot of makeup, but I do wear a little most days. A guy friend of mine commented that I looked really nice tonight and that he'd never really seen me with make up before. Ummmm, yes he has cause we went of a sorta date (I can't never decide if it was or not cause it was lunch and the baby came with...does that count?). Whatever, stupid boys.

Work is going well. It's very amusing when my boss gets on the computer. She knows how to play with photoshop elements which is on the work computer, but only a little. She keeps trying to correct pictures for this calender we're making and it takes her soooooooooo long. I'm sitting there helping her thinking, "this would just take a second if you would move and let me do it." Same with my co-worker. I know I'm going to end up going back and fixing the work she does on the calender cause she only knows how to sorta play with publisher, and she doesn't have a clue with photoshop, while I have a good knowledge of photoshop and I'm much faster in publisher than she is. Sigh. It's a little frustrating. Especially today. OMG, I was getting annoyed. My boss was on the computer (we only have one) working on stuff. Fine, that's her right, it's her computer. But she also wanted me to work on the calender, which I couldn't do because she was on the computer! So I end up staying half an hour late to at least do something. She was on the computer right up until the time I was supposed to leave, then got up and said I could use it now. Ummm, thanks, but I'm supposed to go home now. But it needs to get done and the pictures we're using are only on that computer and I don't have publisher at home to work on it here. Grrrrrrr, very frustrating.

K, this got really long and rambly, so I'll go ahead and stop now. I'm sure I've bored you enough.

I don't even know where to begin

2004-10-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

I feel so used. Kinda like when someone asks you to babysit their one kid...and you end up babysitting that kid, their cousin, their friends and the neighbors kid while they sit there and drink maragaritas in front of you. And you only get a measly $5 an hour.

where's my five bucks from the rest of you mooches huh?

hyjinxs...this has ruined me for work

2004-10-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

[prettycat] i was just gonna start singing the fairy song too
[moondoingfings] sing it still!
[prettycat] knco, knock, knock...and listen very hard....
* moondoingfings listens
[prettycat] knock, knock, knock....and listen very hard
* moondoingfings listens very hard
[prettycat] knock, knock, knock...and listen very hard
* theqissilent listens even harder tan moon
[prettycat] there's no body there :(
[prettycat] oh
[prettycat] dear
[prettycat] me
[theqissilent] who's there?
* moondoingfings totally listens as hard as he can!
[prettycat] are you making a sad face moonie?
[prettycat] let me see your sad face
[moondoingfings] yeah :(
[prettycat] shaould we try with the other foot?
[moondoingfings] totally
[moondoingfings] that fairy owns me money
[prettycat] knock, knock, knock...and listen very hard
[moondoingfings] I heard the tv!
[theqissilent] serious
[prettycat] knock, knock, kncok and listen very hard
[moondoingfings] she is so in there!
[prettycat] knock, knock, knock...and licten very hard
[moondoingfings] fairy I want my money!
[prettycat] there's somebody there!!!
* moondoingfings listens some more
[prettycat] good
[prettycat] good..good
[prettycat] should we go inside the faireis house moonie?
[moondoingfings] totally
[moondoingfings] get my money
[prettycat] open the door.....
[prettycat] step inside.....
* moondoingfings steps inside
[prettycat] close the door behind you
* moondoingfings forgets to close the door
[prettycat] i think she's hiding from us
[moondoingfings] oh crap the dog got out!
[prettycat] look way down low...do you see her?
* moondoingfings runs after the dog
[prettycat] i don't see her down low
[moondoingfings] me either
[prettycat] look way up high, on your tipeetoes
[moondoingfings] she jumped out the back window
[prettycat] you're ruining my flow here moonie
[moondoingfings] lets sell her stuff to get my money back
[prettycat] lol
[moondoingfings] lol
[moondoingfings] that fairy has a coke habit I know it!
[prettycat] no, we have to jump very to high to see if she's hiing on top of the cupboard
[prettycat] are you ready?
[prettycat] 1...
[prettycat] 2....
[prettycat] 3...
[prettycat] big jump moonie!!
[ELB] why is she hiding in her own house?
* moondoingfings trips and hurts his back some more
[prettycat] shhh, littel kids don't ask questions like that
[moondoingfings] guuuuh!
[prettycat] you know why she's hiding from us moonie?
[moondoingfings] she has a coke habit
[ELB] oh crap, I just ruined it for Moon...
[prettycat] because she was outside playing and she got all dirty, she wants to take a bath before she comes out to play
[moondoingfings] she is all paranoid
[prettycat] test the bath with your toe....
[moondoingfings] is this fairy legal?
[prettycat] lol
[prettycat] ooo, that's too hot!
[prettycat] try the other toe...
[prettycat] brrrr..that's way to cold
[moondoingfings] hell yeah it's hot
[prettycat] try it again....
[moondoingfings] I'm going to take a shower with a fairy!
[prettycat] ahh, that's just right
[moondoingfings] hot!
[moondoingfings] see why I have took dance
[prettycat] lol, now we have to go make a snack while she takes a bath
[moondoingfings] never
[moondoingfings] crap!
[moondoingfings] uh
[prettycat] should we make popcorn or pizza?
[moondoingfings] you go make the snack she needs help
[prettycat] lol
* moondoingfings helps the fairy shower
[prettycat] omg moonie, you'r making my classes pg-13
* ELB sells the tape to Pixie-Smut Weekly
[prettycat] how the hell am i supposed to teach with a straight face now?
[moondoingfings] give me two more minutes and it will be NC-17
[Viaken]Give him two minutes and he'll be having a smoke...
[prettycat] damn you
[ELB] lol
[moondoingfings] lol!
[Cheveldae] lol
[prettycat] i gotta think of a new schtick now
[moondoingfings] hahahahahaha!!!
[moondoingfings] damn sorry

2004-10-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

You know what? In real life, no one wants to be friends with a single mom. It sucks. Want to know who I hang out with? My parents. Yup, I'm so cool I hang out with my parents. Don't even let me get started on dating, I'm in a bad enough mood already.

Old friends

2004-10-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Melissa and I used to dance together. We met when I was in 6th grade and she was in 8th at our dance studio. We were best friends from the time I was in 7/8th grade to about my sophmore year in high school. Then she had to move about 4 hours from here and we just kinda grew apart. We still saw each other occasionally, every few months, then every few years. The last time I saw her was when I came home the summer of my sophmore year of college, so roughly three years ago.

When I was sending out the baby's birth announcements I randomly decided to send her and her mom one since I knew they still lived at the same place they had for years. She called me this weekend wanting to come see the baby and catch up. Melissa came over on Sunday night and we ended up chatting for hours. It was like we hadn't just spent the last 6 years barely speaking. We ended up going to lunch on Monday and she's taking one of the ballet classes I teach on Monday nights.

Same thing has happened with the girl who I was best friends with from about birth to 7th grade. Except for the dancing part, she doesn't dance.

Very weird and very cool. I've grow away from friends before, but never been able to pick up with them so quickly again.

By the way...the car is gone again.

Big Brother continued....

2004-09-30T04:27:00.000-07:00

The car is back. I'm scared someone hold me.

Big Brother is watching (insert creepy music is here)

2004-09-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

so two days after I post about the car that sits on the road on my way to work and the misspelled sign, guess what? Yup, they're gone. The car was gone Monday morning (I've been waiting to see if it came back). The sign got removed sometime mid-week. Someone important must be reading my blog. Maybe I stumbled onto some super top-secret government conspiracy. I'll have to check my car before I get in it from now on, make sure they aren't gonna try and off me.

2004-09-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Girlfriend are You? The perfect girlfriend you love to just hang with your boyfriend and his friends. you don't mind being around guys, infact i bet that most of your friends are guys. your boyfriend should be comfortable with you being around all of his friends because he knows that you can take care of yourself and are very loyal to his love.

pretty accurate I'd say. I dunno, Daniel what do you think?

you know what.....

2004-09-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

nevermind, I'm better now.

The Daily Commute

2004-09-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

The only bad part about my new job is all the driving I have to do. I teach in Newport Beach in the mornings (a 20-30 minutes drive south from my house), then drive to Santa Ana to teach in the afternoon/evenings (a 20 minutes drive north from my house). This week has offered some interesting observations.....

On my way south, I drive past the UCI campus (Universit of California, Irvine). I've noticed the same blue station wagon parked on the side of the road everyday. In fact, I recall it being there three years ago when I taught there before. Now, in Irvine, cars don't just sit on the side of the roads for years to rot. You can get a ticket for leaving a car more than three days. Besides, it's not rotting, it's in pretty good shape. It's also not a streeet you'd park on. There's a field and drainage ditch next to it and a hill across the street leading up to a walled off apartment complex. My thoughts are that it's part of some university observation thing but I have no idea what the heck it could be observing. The car is always in the exact same place, but it doesn't look like it's been abandoned.

On my way home yesterday I noticed a screw-up that left me sitting in my car howling with laughter the rest of the way home. The major street by my house is Bryan. They've been doing construction on one of the other major roads that interesects it because of all the new housng developments going up. In Irvine, they like to post little signs telling you the name of the street you're approaching about 50 feet ahead of time or so. They just put up a new one for Bryan. However, the new sign says the street is Brian. Hehe. Well, I found it funny.

One last thng, and this part sucks. When I was in Oklahoma, even when I was working full time, I was filling my gas tank about every two weeks, sometimes even only once a month at about $1.40 a gal. or so. I stopped for gas on Monday morning on my way to work and paid $2.15 a gal. I had to fill it up again last night. This sucks.

But, I made it through my first week back at work. I'm tired and sore and I'm losing my voice but I love it and wouldn't trade my job for anything. Except maybe not working at all, but then I'd be bored. Maybe just teaching jazz...or maybe just...nevermind.

who says blogs are useless?

2004-09-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

woohoo! I got my super cool cake pan back!!!!!!!

Yay Daniel read my last post and brought my pan with him when he visited me this weekend. I knew I left it somewhere in Oklahoma.

I took baby on her first trip to the zoo on Sunday. We went to the San Diego Zoo. I forgot how big it is! We were there for about 4 hours and barely saw half.

I also saw "What the Bleep Do We Know." Very interesting. Who would have thought that a movie about quantum physics would be interesting? I was pretty fascinated by the one talking head who kept rubbing his fingers together in a very mad-scientist/rob_church kind of way. I couldn't take my eyes off it! Another one kept talking with his teeth together the whole time. I got enthralled watching to see if he would ever speak normally. He didn't.

It all seemed very esoteric and over my head and somewhat beleivable until they showed the credentials of the talking heads at the end. Most of them were very cool, Stanford, Harvard, Yale and whatnot. Except for the cult leader from Washington and the chiropractor. Yes, that's right, a cult leader and a chiropractor talking about quantum physics. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Most of the movie was pretty over my head and not very believable, but they did make one interesting point: Our emotions are triggered/controlled by peptides produced by our brains. The more you feel a certain emotion, the more your brain produces that peptide and the more responsive your body becomes to it. Basically, you become addicted to that emotion and have to get a "high" off it more and more often. I've seen this happen in people I know often eough to give it some credit.

That got me thinking about whether there's any emotion I'm addicted to. Sadly, I can't think of any which leads me to think that I'm addicted to a lack of emotion. I have a really hard time getting myself excited about things and feeling very emotional at all. Aside from when I was pregnant, I have a really hard time recalling instances where I felt very emotional about something. It's not an everyday thing for me. Sometimes it worries me. Am I some unfeeling robot-type person? Should I be more emotional? But then I think about how less stressful my life is because of it and how I have so little drama in my life because of it and I think mthat maybe I'm better off this way. I don't know. Too much quantum physics for me, my brain hurts now.

I need to stop losing stuff

2004-09-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

I bought myself this cool cake pan about a year or so ago, but managed to lose it somewhere in Oklahoma City. This makes me sad. I'm tempted to buy myself this pan or this pan. Unless someone wants to buy it for me....

I lose lots of things, sunglasses, socks, clothes.... I ususally find it again, but never when I need it. I always seem to find stuff after I've bought a replacement for it, grrr. I need those cool locator thingamabobers on all my stuff. Someone invent that, ok?

cookies!

2004-08-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

I have another blog about what else but.......COOKIES!

Check it out, let me know what you think.

an interesting conversation....

2004-08-22T02:20:00.000-07:00

Realized a few things today, these realizations being sparked by various conversations. One with my parents, one chatting with a friend.

The group of people I hang out with here in Cali may need a re-vamp. I love them all and always will but there are quite a few problems with them and I hanging out much.

Problem one: my ex. I love the guy I do but he's making my life too difficult. He's so sweet and has really grown up alot. He's defintely not the same guy I dated in high school. Except for one thing: he still thinks he loves me. Being loved is good, we all need it. But it's getting to the pont where I'm actually uncomfortable being alone with him, even if everyone else is around, I get weirded out and start feeling stifled if it ends up just being the two of us talking. I've been making it a point to avoid one-on-one hanging out with him for this reason, but now I don't even want to have a one-on-one conversation with him even if there are other people with us. I'm not sure how I'm going to fix this. I just want him to get himself a girl and get over me, I can't handle being responsible for his happiness.

Problem two: my sister's best friend. I lvoe the guy, he's the big brother I never had growing up. But as the center of our group of friends, he also has no real job, dropped out of college and is just kinda frittering away all his talent doing nothing. And he's so talented that I hate to see him doing nothng with it. It's begining to rub off on people, I can't afford that.

Problem three: I'm the only one with a kid. I don't think any of them quite understand how difficult it is for me to get out the house these days. Molly requires lots and lots of stuff and obviously she's my first priority. Their dogs make me nervous and while it's nice to have someone else keep an eye on her for a bit, I'm selfish and don't want to share her *that* much. I only get so much time before I start working again , I want to get the most out of what time I do get to spend with her. I have a very different mindset than them, I have to put someone besides myself first, they don't.

So I think the solution is to try and cultivate some new friendships. I've been trying and will continue in that effort. In no way am I planning to totally abandon my old friends, I just need new ones who understand my new life a little better.

The other thing is that there are too many boys in my life. They are complicated and silly and I need to wean myself off of them.

Haha! You thought you were gonna get the juicy details there didn't you? Too bad.

goals....

2004-08-21T01:33:00.000-07:00

Jayce and her motivated-ness got me thinking, I need to be productive again. I swear, I feel so blah cause I have nothing to accomplish these days. I have to get my kicks from getting sleep and getting out of the house for an hour or two. I need goals.

here goes:

finally finish unpacking and organizing my room
get back in shape
get back into writing (this one will take awhile)
choreograph a number for the ballet company
keep this updated

that's all I can think of right now, I'll let you know if I come with anymore.

also, music update:

I bought the Franz Ferdinand and Scissor Sisters albums today. Not bad, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to use them much for teaching. Tomorrow I'm going o get Black Eye Peas, Beyonce, and Britney Spears (blech). I thought about getting the Usher album, but I just dislike it too much, I'd kill myself.

another update:

I tapped on Monday! I haven't tapped for almost three years. The other tap teacher (my old jazz and tap teacher) and I got together to plan a syllabus for next year and I was pretty proud of myself for remembering as much as I did. I get to substitute teach for a tap and a ballet class this coming Thursday, ack! Think good thoughts for me, I'll need 'em.

yay!

2004-08-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

the babysitter problem is solved hooray!!! A woman who goes to my church is going to babysit tue/thurs and I'm so excited. She's very cool, very relaxed and I trust her completely. Hooray!

the meme post...cause I wanna be one of the cool kids too!

2004-08-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

I even provided a cheat sheet cause I'm so cool like that ;)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

cause I feel like it that's why.

2004-08-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

I got this in an email today, normally I hate these things, but I figured why not? Since I have nothing better to blog about I figured I'd put my answers in here, because I know how much everyone is just *dying* to know them. I'm deleting some of the questions though cause they don't really make sense in this context but I'm too lazy to change the numbers...deal with it.

2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate?Robynne Jacqueline Smith

3. Nickname? Robs, Robsy, Bobbin-Robynne, Bean

5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 22

7. Hair color? naturally, kind of a blond-ish brown, but at the moment it's a very faded red. It'll either be blond-ish or really red in a week. I can't decide.

8. Tattoos?Nope

9. How much do you love your job on a scale of 1 to 5? 4.5....it'd be a 5 if I didn't have to deal with crazy ballet moms.

10. Favorite color? red

11. Hometown? Irvine, CA but was born in Johannesburg, South Africa

13. Favorite food? mac and cheese, roast potatos

14. Been to Africa? yup

15. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? yeah

16. Been in a car accident? Yes, twice, neither one was my fault though.

17. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits

18. Sprite or 7UP? cherry 7up

19. Favorite Movie? The Princess Bride

20. Favorite Holiday? Christmas

21. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

22. Favorite Restaurant? I don't have one...I miss Lido in Oklahoma City though, good food and a lot for cheap, yay!

23. Favorite Flowers? Dafodils and Cala lilies

24. Favorite beverage? cherry 7up, chocolate brownie frappachino from Starbucks (damn them for not having it anymore)

25. Favorite sport to watch? basketball and baseball but only live, I can't watch it on tv.

26. Preferred type of ice cream? mint chocolate chip and napoleon (or neopolitan if you insist)

27. How many times did you fail your driver's test? once, I swear it wasn't my fault.

29. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit cards? Target, get a little bit of everything.

30. What do you do most often when you are bored? read, browse the worth forums, chat

31. Name the person you are friends with that lives the furthest away: Daniel, in Florida and soon to be the Ukraine.

32. Most annoying thing people ask or tell me? if I'm getting any sleep. I have a one month old baby, of course I'm not getting any sleep!

33. What is your Bedtime? about 1:30am, then every two hours after that.

36. Favorite TV show? The Amazing Race

37. Last person you went out to dinner with? my sister and my friends.

38. Last movie you went out and saw? Spiderman 2

39. Last Concert you saw? Paul McCartney, I think. I can't remember actually.

If you're really bored you could answer these too, but I won't hold my breath.

yay me!

2004-08-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

so for all my procrastination I got an A- on my paper! YAY!

it also means I graduated cum laude, woohoo!

I'm a posting machine today!

2004-08-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

So my new project is to get my music library updated for when I start teacing again. Anyone with suggestions is my new best friend.

These are my guidelines for picking music:

-it has to be something you can dance to. Fast or slow is not the issue, but this can exclude some rock and alternative songs :(

-the lyrics have to be clean. I teach kids as young as 5 or 6 when it comes to jazz classes so the while they don't have to be kiddie songs, they have to be clean. I refuse to be one of those jazz teachers that has 6 year olds dancing to "Tootsie Roll"

-the kids need to like it, if they don't my job is a whole lot harder.

I already know I'm going to have to buy Britney Spears (bleh) and probably Ashlee Simpson (double bleh) to keep 'em happy. Anyone got any other suggestions?

halleluia!

2004-08-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

woohoo! I am done! I am now officially graduated and finished with school hooray! Hmmmmm..I think I'll make myself some cookies to celebrate....

edit to add that my paper is awesome, I'm proud of it. Just shy of 15 pages, but full of substance, yeah! If I could link it and actually think anyone would bother to read it I would. But I'm not stupid, I know no one else wants to read it so I'll just sit here smiling to myself and proud of how good it is.

2004-08-06T01:07:00.000-07:00

Nope, still not done. I have 7 pages done. I am so bad.

I'm so spoilt...

2004-08-01T01:39:00.000-07:00

thanks cit for making all my linkys for me! I suppose if I really wanted I could have done it myself, but I'm ever so happy and grateful he did it for me. I'm so spoilt, but I'm not complaining...

In other news I'm the world's greatest procrastinator. I was four credits short of my degree as of April, so I worked out an independant study class with one of my professors, all I had to do was write a 15 page paper comparing the approch to society as illustrated in the myths of the Ancient Sumerians vs. the Ancient Hebrews. Subject I love, no big deal right? I've had since May to work on it and how much have I done? Not a thing. When is it due? August 6. EEK!!! And of course, now I have no time to sit and work on it like I normally would have done, I have to steal bits and peices of time to work on it. I've thought about it alot though, so at least I have an idea of what I'm doing, now I just have to sit and write it. I'm such a loser.

how well do you know me?

2004-07-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

I made a quiz, ooo nifty. clicky clicky: http://www.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=040730031342-pop~p20quiz~p21

k, I don't know how to make the link all pretty, too bad. And I also need to figure out how to put links on the sidebar thingymajigger. Anyone know how?

and in an instant, life changes forever...

2004-07-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

12:33am July 11th, my life altered and it won't ever be the same. I haven't slept for longer than 3 hours straight since then, I've ceased to be grossed out by spit-up and snot...I'm a mom.

Molly is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I could write pages and pages about how adorable she is. The funny faces she makes at me, the way she grunts to herself in her sleep, how insanely hilarious she is when she tries to suck my chin if she's getting hungry. I'm wrapped around her little finger and I know it. Pictures of my adorable girl are here: http://catwoman.smugmug.com

I love being a mom...I just wish I could sleep a little more.

please!?

2004-07-08T00:37:00.000-07:00

For the love of all things holy, I am so tired of being pregnant!! I can't reach my feet, I can't get up off the couch, I can't re-arrange my room or move anything heavy, I can't move properly! It's like wearing a fat suit I can't take off. I just can't wait for this to be over with.

ARG!!!

hospital business

2004-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

My hospital tour on Friday night was nice and re-assuring. First off, this hospital only has private rooms, yay! I was so worried I would have to deal with listening to some other woman going through labor and then maybe her baby waking up my baby. I just didn't want to share my room! But I don't have to so hooray!

All the l&d rooms have jacuzzi tubs in them and cable which is another plus. The post-partum rooms aren't as nice, but it's still private and my baby never has to leave my room unless it's for a test or something. They don't do the whole nursery thing. Good, since I was having nightmares that they would try to give me someone else's baby!

One thing worries me though. I'm scared to spend that first night in the hospital by myself. I'm so jealous of all the other women who have their husbands to stay with them and help them out. I have my mom and my sister, but I doubt they'll want to sleep at the hospital with me.

Daniel (my ex but not the dad) wanted to be with me when Molly is born but I told him I didn't want him here. Now I do. I just want someone who'll hold me and stay with me and stuff. It's my own fault for telling him I didn't want him there, but now I'm regretting it.

I suppose I should get used to it being just me and Molly, but I'm still really scared about that first night. Maybe my sister will stay with me. I guess it just depends on when it happens really. I almost want to hope I go this week since Daniel gets here tomorrow or Thursday. Heck, I wouldn't mind not being fat and preggo anymore.

Oh well.

insomnia

2004-06-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is. Well, I do, but I'm not sure why I feel compelled to share. But I do.

I try to put my feet down
But the waves come too fast
And the sand shifts.
Suddenly I’m drowning,
I can’t stand

You were everything I wanted.
You were everything I needed.
But I closed my eyes too tight,
And now I’m miles from where I want to be.

Unreachable, taunting.
Perfection runs from me,
Leaving me stripped.
Stranger with an offer,
I can’t refuse.

You offered everything I wanted.
You offered everything I needed.
But I closed my eyes too tight,
And now I’m a thousand miles from where I want to be.

it sucks and I know it, just don't laugh where I can see you.

some blatant plugging of my best friend's website :D

2004-06-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

The great thing about this website is that I'm in half of it. Especially the travelogues...all the ones from Europe have me in them...mostly cause I went. It's awesome. My friend is uber talented.

2004-06-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

some days I wish I had a job. I have a job starting in Sept, but until then I have nothing to do. It's kinda boring. And definately lonely. Being lonely and hormonal really sucks.

sad, sad news.

2004-06-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

who woulda thunk?

2004-06-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was actually productive today, yay for me! My mom and I moved the rest of the office stuff out of the nursery and reassembled it downstairs so I now finally have my nursery all set up. Now if I only had the stuff to put in it...

I'm tried as hell now and I'm sure my back and body will be killing me later but I feel good cause I accomplished something today.

Being poor sucks a lot

2004-06-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

I want to go to a concert this Sat but I have no money to go. I guess there's really no point wanting to go now anyways, it's sold out. The line-up looks awesome; Modest Mouse, Beastie Boys, Hoobastank and other such bands.

I'm done whining, but I still want to go.

to share or not to share

2004-06-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

so I'v been debating whether or not to tell anyone I have this blog or if I want to just keep it to myself. I realize it's the internet, I'm sure people read it, but I just don't know if I really want to know if people are reading it. I can't decide.

I have a new toy!

2004-06-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

So my car has been getting steadily dirtier and dirtier. It's made two trips from Cali to Oklahoma and spent over three months in both places without getting washed. I had half the bug population of Texas splattered across my car. I had a dirty car. Now my mom hates dirty cars. She gets her car washed every week or so. So I know it pained her to have to look at my dirty car. So what did she do? She went and bought me a fun new toy!

It's that new Mr. Clean spot-free car washing thingy. Oh man is it fun. You can spray just regular water, or soapy water or "ionized" water. Supposedly it's the ionized water that makes it not get all soptted. Whatever. I don't know about all that but, my car is clean! And relatively spot free so I guess it works.

But even if I never use it again, I have a feeling that next summer, when my daughter will be almost a year, it'll come in handy as a fun new toy again!

Yay for new toys!

2004-05-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

I am floored by how people treat me nowadays. I know I complain about how fat I feel and such, but in reality, I know I'm not really that big. I can still function for the most part. True, I can't see my feet anymore, nor can I reach them, but I can still sit on the floor and get up again. But it seems that everyone thinks I need to be waited on and fed. Except my parents, they don't treat me like an invalid for which I am eternally grateful.

My family were invited over today for a braai (That's a bbq for any non-South Africans), and once again, I was treated like a china doll. Like I was going to fall apart if I stood up for more than five minutes! Seriously folks, it's a bit much sometimes.

But I shouldn't whine. Everyone is being so nice and buying me all kinds of stuff for the baby, I should just appreciate it. But it's so hard sometimes, I just want to have my old skinny body back!

eh.

2004-05-30T02:04:00.000-07:00

I need something to do to keep myself busy this summer. I figured writing here was as good as anything else. If I wasn't so dead tired I would try and write something more entertaining. I'll have to work on that.